


Forever...is a long time

by princessmera



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Love Triangles, Romance, Teen Pregnancy, and birth control, discussions of abortion, jessica and justin centred, lots of baby talk, lots of feelings, lots of pining, post spring fling, so don't read if you're offended by that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23115943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmera/pseuds/princessmera
Summary: "God is watching over you," the man called and Jessica only frowned. "He better fucking not be." – On the night of the Spring fling Jessica Davis never thought about the consequences of her actions. She never thought of who she might hurt. Alex, since he was her date after all, and Justin, who was hurting more than he would ever admit to anyone else. But a month later Jessica realises the person she hurt the most was herself.
Relationships: Jessica Davis/Alex Standall, Jessica Davis/Justin Foley
Comments: 27
Kudos: 44





	1. Safe Sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've always hated teen pregnancy fics because i am a firm believer in the rights to abortion, and i think a lot of fics about that come out of a 'we have no other choice' kind of mentality. that you have to give birth when in 2019 especially, women have a lot more choice in western culture. so this fic very much includes and acknowledges that. it also deals heavily with sex and contraception, as well as considerations of abortion. so if those concepts are off putting for you i'd recommend not reading this. i'd rather not hear comments about how i believe in murdering babies. and i wanted to do it differently than chloe's storyline in 3x02 (as much as i appreciated that ep) by kind of introducing other factors and jessica's *vomits* love triangle.

“Are you okay?” He asked her as she tied her dress back across her waist.

Jessica nodded. “I’m fine,” she said. She was standing over him on the bench, and he ran his hand along her hips.

“So, you and Alex, huh?”

She pressed her lips together. “No, we aren’t…” Having sex, she wanted to say. No, she had only done that with Justin. He was the only one she felt comfortable with. But maybe now she was ready to have sex with Alex. This had been the first step to feeling comfortable in her body again. “This is the first time I’ve had sex since… since we last slept together.” She couldn’t look at him. “It’s been a while.”

He nodded his head. “It can take some time. But, you got there–“

“Don’t,” she deadpanned, “I don’t wanna hear it.”

He frowned, “sorry, Jessica.” The way he said her name struck her whole body with a feeling of compassion. He had long ago earned the right to call her Jess, most people did. He only called her Jessica when something was wrong.

“Don’t apologise.” She adjusted her hair over her shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Does it look okay?” She widened her eyes at him.

“Yeah,” he whispered, “you look perfect.” Don’t, she thought. When he said shit like that it just made her want to kiss him more. He had to know that. He had to be doing it on purpose.

“I have to get back to the dance. I told Alex I was going to the bathroom.” Then she laughed. “And I _do_ need to go to the bathroom.”

He smiled at her. “I’ll see you out there.” He hesitated before withdrawing his hands from her waist, and she hadn’t wanted to complain when he touched her. She liked it. Unlike when anybody else touched her, when he did, it felt right. She craved that feeling of normalcy. Maybe that was why she had done it. That, she thought, and the fact that she really did care about him, and she missed having sex. It was the best she had felt in a long time. The most confident, and the most comfortable.

She wandered back to the exit, stopping before she turned back to him as he sat there. “I’m really glad you’re back,” she told him. “Please don’t leave again.”

He almost smiled. “I won’t. I promise.”

* * *

Jessica avoided Justin in the halls at all costs. If she saw him she walked the other way. She wasn’t sure why. It just felt wrong to walk past him when she was dating someone else, but she still thought about him. All the time. And she thought about the guilt she felt knowing she had cheated. She remembered when she was dating Justin last summer, and some random boy at a party asked if she wanted to hook up. A boy who knew she was in a relationship, and the thought of cheating on Justin was pure insanity to her. Why would she ever do that? Why would she ever cheat when she was in love with him? She wasn’t sure what had changed between then and now. With him versus Alex. It was wrong. And she cared about Alex. She wanted to love him, if she got closer with him again maybe she could. As much as her heart wanted someone else, her mind knew she could never have him.

Then one day she ran into him in the hall. Only two weeks after Spring Fling, and after she had told him that their hook up was a mistake. She rounded a corner and he was coming the opposite way and neither were looking where they were going.

“Shit,” she muttered.

“Jess, fuck, I’m sorry.” He stopped completely, glancing around the hallway as it emptied. And as much as Jessica knew she should have gotten her feet to move, she couldn’t.

“It’s fine,” she told him, looking up. She hesitated before asking him a question she was genuinely curious about. “How is the adoption going?”

He shrugged. “Pretty good, I guess. There are a lot of steps, and I probably won’t be officially adopted for a few months.” He looked sad about it but she gave him a small smile.

“That’s still really exciting. And weird. It’s still so fucking weird.”

He laughed. “I know right.”

“What’s it like? You know, living with Clay Jensen?”

He almost rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “Yeah, I mean, I can’t complain. His parents are really fucking nice. It’s insane.”

She smiled. “They are.”

He nodded, then he looked up at her, as though he had just remembered something. “Uh, I really liked your speech for the Student Body. You were so fucking badass.”

“You’ll vote for me?” She asked.

“Fuck yes. I kind of zoned out for the other speeches anyway. Yours was the best, obviously.” If this was a perfect world she would have kissed him for saying that. She would have hugged him and he would have been hers. And he would be happy too, and so would she. Nothing awful would have ever happened to either of them. It would be perfect. But this wasn’t a perfect world, and Jessica was dating someone else. And Justin would never be hers again, and that was _his_ fault. And she didn’t have to mourn that.

“I have to go,” she said simply, “I have to get to class.”

“Oh sure, sorry.” He stepped out of her way and she walked off. But she thought about him for the rest of the day.

* * *

“We haven’t really… done that stuff. Yet.” Jessica looked down at her hands, and Ani leaned in.

“Had sex?” She was obnoxiously close to Jessica’s ear and Jessica shushed her immediately. “It’s not a secret. You shouldn’t be ashamed of it.”

“I know,” Jessica gave in, “but it’s just kind of scary still. Someone touching me, in that way. Someone that isn’t…” She trailed off, and she hoped Ani had stopped listening because what she was about to say was completely unwarranted. A secret she couldn’t admit.

“Someone that isn’t _him_?” Ani clarified. Him as in Bryce, she meant.

“Yeah,” Jessica lied, “ _him_.” No. Him as in Justin. As in the person who had come up to her just this morning to congratulate her on getting Student Body president. Not that he really cared, she figured. But the effort and the thought made her smile.

“You’ve like… done other stuff, right? I mean it’s been over a month since you became official.”

Jessica shrugged, “I mean, we’ve done some stuff. Well, I have. I’m still not ready to be touched like that. I’m almost there. I think I _am_ ready. I just don’t know if he is. Ready for me to be ready, that is.” Then she laughed. “I’m experienced, and he’s not. Yet, we’re waiting around for me to be ready. It’s so fucking weird.”

“Give it time,” Ani said, “or don’t. Force yourself to go out of your comfort zone. Try something new. Maybe all you need is a push.”

“I don’t know.” Leaning against the wall in the empty library, Jessica pulled out her phone.

“Do what you want,” Ani said, “just promise you’ll tell me all about it.” Jessica only laughed as she clicked on the calendar on her phone.

“HO meeting tomorrow,” she reminded Ani, seeing the reminder come up. Then she sighed. “Have you ever been late before?”

Ani looked at her curiously. “To class? No.”

Jessica smirked, “no,” she answered, “like _late_ for your…”

“Period? That time of the month?” Ani asked her with a smile, and Jessica shushed her.

“Quiet,” she looked around and the library was empty. “Yes, late for that.”

Ani shrugged, “only ever like a day or two. Why? Are you?” Jessica nodded. “How much?”

She glanced around the room. “Almost two weeks.” Ani’s eyes widened.

“Shit,” she said, “I’m sure it’s nothing.” Ani blinked. “Are you on birth control?”

Jessica shook her head. “I was, but I went off it months ago.”

Ani nodded. “Okay, well, just give it a month and see what happens. Could just be a hormonal thing from like stress over last month.” Jessica nodded slowly. “Well,” Ani laughed, “it’s not like you’re pregnant.” Jessica almost went wide eyed.

“What?”

Ani giggled, “I’m kidding. Come on, you have to have unprotected sex to get pregnant. Don’t American Schools teach sex education?”

“Yeah,” Jessica said, “I know.” But Jessica did have unprotected sex. A month ago. But she couldn’t tell Ani that.

“Come on,” Ani told her, “I’ll come with you after school and we can pick you up some new birth control pills and then you can have as much sex as you want. It’ll be great.”

“No,” Jessica said, “I have to look after Tyler today. I’ll go myself, it’s fine.” She grabbed her bag off the floor as the school bell rang. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

* * *

“I’ll only be a minute,” Jessica said and Tyler nodded. “Just wait out here. Okay?” He leaned against the window of the pharmacy as Jessica entered through the sliding doors. The inside was bright white and the shelves were stacked perfectly like some kind of overly sanitary hospital. Then again, she figured, it was a pharmacy and it did sell to people who were sick. It needed to be this clean. Still, she felt uncomfortable. Like she was in a hospital room.

She strode up to the front desk, looking either side into the aisles until something caught her eye. Was she really this worried? Had Ani’s words gotten into her head that much? She hadn’t shown any signs. She hadn’t been vomiting, or nauseous. Then again those were the only pregnancy symptoms she knew. So she was showing one of two symptoms.

Jessica took a left into the aisle where they kept the pregnancy tests. She tried not to look suspicious, glancing around to see if there was anyone she knew in there. No one. Just some older women and a mother and her young son. Jessica grabbed the one that looked the most familiar to her, and the most basic. The way she had always thought they would look. She didn’t care how it looked as long as it did its job.

She took it up to the front desk and placed it on the counter, barely looking the man in the eye.

“Could I get some birth control pills, too?” She asked quietly. Eventually she looked up and the man was staring at her.

“You do understand that the pills don’t work if you’re already pregnant?”

Jessica nodded, glancing at the test on the counter. “It’s just for precaution. And if I’m not, then I’d like to be prepared.” Wasn’t it kind of unprofessional for the man to ask Jessica this? He nodded, not really caring. He scanned the test and then turned back to her.

“Have you been on it before?” She nodded. “How long ago did you stop?”

“Five months ago,” she answered.

“Have you got a referral from a doctor for a specific kind?” She fished in her pocket for the old referral she had from when she first started them, and placed it on the counter for him. He scanned it, then handed it back to her. “It’s not a medical necessity so would you like to go back on your previous ones?” She nodded. “And how old are you?”

“Seventeen,” she said.

“And do you have your parents permission?” He turned around to ask the chemist for the birth control pills Jessica had asked for.

“I don’t need their permission.”

He nodded, turning back. “That’s true. But it would just make me more comfortable giving it to you.” Then he smiled. “A pretty girl like you should be careful not to get taken advantage of.”

Jessica scowled, “your discomfort isn’t my problem,” she snapped. He ignored her and scribbled his signature on the prescription before handing it over.

“That’s $40, including the test.” Jessica took two notes from her back pocket and handed them over. “If you’re serious about the pregnancy,” he said to her, “you might need more than one test.” She stared at him, realising he was right. She took out another note and handed it over, and he grabbed two extra tests he had stashed under the counter. “Good luck,” he told her. “God is watching over you.”

She frowned. “He better fucking not be.”

* * *

Jessica stormed through the front door of her house, slamming it shut behind her.

“Jessica, where have you been?” Her mother called from the other room.

“Just out,” she said, walking into the kitchen, “I was hanging out with Tyler.”

“Tyler,” her mom said with a smile, “does Alex know about this?”

Jessica rolled her eyes, “yes, mom. He knows. I can have friends who are boys. I’ve always had friends that are boys.”

Her mom just grinned, “okay. When’s Alex coming by next? I haven’t seen him in so long. He’s so nice.” She was almost daydreaming about Jessica’s boyfriend. It was strange. “Whatever you do, honey. Treat that boy right. He’s what you deserve.” Jessica stared at her hands, grabbing her water bottle and filling it in the sink.

“Yeah, Mom, I know.” Jessica said. She pushed the bag strap further up her shoulder and twisted the cap back on the drink bottle. “When’s dinner?” She asked, grabbing her plastic bag from the pharmacy up before her mother could look inside.

“Two hours,” her mom said, “in an ideal world.”

Jessica smiled, “okay, I might, uh, have a shower.” And with that she left, running up the stairs to her bedroom. She threw the bag onto the floor, grabbing her phone from her back pocket. Jessica took the plastic bag, her water bottle and her phone into the bathroom across the corridor. Her heart was pounding.

Dumping the contents of the bag out onto the bench, she saw the three pregnancy tests and the packet of birth control pills. It’s just a precaution, she told herself. She took a sip of water from the bottle, throwing her head back and sculling it.

“Fuck,” she whispered as the water went all over her. She grabbed the first test from the bench and read the instructions. Pee. Wait fifteen minutes. Plus is positive, minus is negative. “Great,” she said under her breath.

She opened the packaging and pulled out the stick, staring at it. She had seen these on tv, in films, but she never thought this would be her. She was responsible. Well, she had been responsible once upon a time. Jessica followed the instructions, peeing on the stick and letting it sit for fifteen minutes as she sat on the bathroom floor. She drank the whole bottle of water in that time, her throat getting drier and her thirst increasing. She was nervous. Terrified for it to come up positive.

Her phone buzzed and she checked the message. _My parents are out tonight. Do you want to come over?_ Alex. No, she didn’t want to come over. No, she was freaking out.

But she didn’t get time to respond as the timer on her phone vibrated in her hand. Twenty minutes had passed, just for precaution.

Taking a deep breath, Jessica sat up on her knees and reached up to the bench, flipping the test over so she could see the answer. And it made her stomach drop as she threw the birth control pills across the room in a fit of rage until they hit the wall and dropped into the tiny bin. It couldn’t have been a coincidence.


	2. Responsible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: not my characters
> 
> and i still don't like teen pregnancy fics and this is hard to write. but i am so excited for where it's going to go. so please keep with me on this. (also apologies for my alex characterisation in this. at this point his purpose is to isolate jessica, just as HO and her parents are. i struggle to write alex well so please give me any pointers if you notice them lol)

Jessica lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Alex was on top of her, but she was thinking about everything else. She didn’t know why she was here. She didn’t know why she had said yes. Why she had casually suggested that they have sex. But she did. It was like she was living outside her body again. Like she had lived for those months after she was raped. She felt nothing.

Why she had responded to Alex’s message with a yes was not something she was proud of. But maybe after the news she had just received, she didn’t want to be alone for the night. She thought that was understandable. Why was she having sex, and for his first time? Well, if tomorrow she started vomiting and he asked her why, at least people could validly guess that if she _was_ pregnant, that it _was_ his. Yes, she was living a life of lies. She felt stupid enough for possibly being pregnant now, she did not want to feel stupid over people finding out she had cheated.

“Jess, what’s wrong?” He stopped, still inside her, and she found that uncomfortable.

“Nothing,” she said quickly, “just keep going.” So he did, but it was no secret that he was enjoying this far more than she was. She tried to put in some effort, making sure he was enjoying himself even if she wasn’t. He could never know why though, and for that reason, she couldn’t cut their first time short. It wasn’t his fault. He was doing well, and maybe if Jessica didn’t have a human being inside her, well two human beings currently, maybe she would have enjoyed herself. Maybe. And maybe it was the pregnancy test, or the sweaty naked boy hurriedly moving inside her, but she started to think about the one person she shouldn’t have. Eventually he pulled out, and flopped beside her on the bed.

Jessica looked over at him. “Did you…?”

He nodded, “yeah. Did you?” That was relief.

“Yeah,” she lied. “Was it good?” She faked a smile, laughing. “Cause if it wasn’t I could always…” She trailed off suggestively. She was trying so hard not to ruin this for him. He deserved better than that.

“Are you sure you’re okay? I thought you were gonna be more into it.”

Jessica shook her head. “No, it’s just… your first time. I wanted to make sure you were content.” What a fucking liar, she thought.

He nodded, “uh, okay. Is there something on your mind?”

“No,” she said, covering her naked chest with an arm as she sat up. “I’ve just got some stuff to do. I’ve gotta prepare for the Hands Off meeting tomorrow.” She grabbed her shirt from the floor and threw it on, she didn’t care about the bra. “Um, can I ask you something?” She looked over her shoulder at him and he was staring at her, nodding. “What’s your opinion on teenaged pregnancy? Like, people our age getting pregnant? Accidentally.”

He almost laughed. “Jess, that’s so stupid. And irresponsible. Like, there are preventative measures and pills, and condoms. Like, who is dumb enough to get knocked up?” He reached out to touch her shoulder. “I’m not gonna do that to you.” But Jessica stood up before he could touch her. “Why are you asking?” She leaned over to pick up her underwear from the floor.

“No reason. Just a thing we’re doing for HO about sex education. Spreading awareness.” She bit her lip, guiding her legs into her underwear. “What about, like, abortion or something?” She asked.

“I’m pro choice,” was all he said. “Or do you mean in the context of teenaged pregnancy?” She shrugged, as if to say, sure. “I mean, come on, you fucked up. Live with your mistake.” How classic coming from a boy who was a virgin up until a minute ago.

She glanced over, judging him. “Seriously? What if a girl was raped like I was? What if she just forgot to take her birth control pill? What if it was just a mistake?”

“I don’t mean it like that,” he defended, “but kids who just have lots of sex and don’t take precautions. Like, I mean, how many girls do you think Justin knocked up? You were lucky. People like him shouldn’t just get to escape the consequences of their actions.”

She scowled. “Alex, shut up.” She buttoned up her jeans and glared at him. “You’ve had sex once. Don’t act like a fucking know-it-all.”

He screwed up his face at her, “Jess, you asked me. I’m just being honest.”

She crossed her arms over her chest, “well, why did you have to bring Justin into it? Feels sort of personal.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. He was just the first example I could think of.”

She rolled her eyes. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” She glanced over at him and he looked at her with a patronising glare until she scowled. “Listen, I don’t keep condoms in my bag. I’ve never had to do that. You know why? Because when I was dating Justin he always had them, because he believed in safe sex. He came with me to get my birth control pills. Every time. And if we had sex and I forgot a pill, or we didn’t use a condom, he would come with me to get the morning after pill. Just in case.” Why was she defending Justin when she was in the exact situation Alex had accused him of? “You think he’s something that he’s not. Just because someone has a lot of sex, and has a reputation, doesn’t mean they’re irresponsible. Sometimes it’s just a mistake.” You are truly an idiot, Jessica, she thought.

* * *

“So we’re not stabbing the jocks?” Casey asked.

“No,” Jessica said. “We’re not doing that.”

“Okay,” Casey said sneakily, “but if we were… Who goes first?”

“Monty,” one girl shouted from the corner, followed by a chorus of agreements. Even Jessica could give her that one.

“Jamie Garrison used to bully me in middle school,” a girl called out, “can I stab him?”

“You sure can,” Casey told her.

“That sophomore Charlie seems nice,” Ani interrupted, “I don’t think we should stab him. Or Zach Dempsey.”

“Okay,” Casey gave in, and Jessica was only watching. She had spent enough time with most of those boys to know exactly who was a piece of shit, and who was just a well meaning idiot. “What if we agree to stab all the jocks except those two? Who else is exempt?” She looked around the room and they were all quiet. Until Tyler spoke up for the first time in the meeting.

“Justin’s nice,” he said, and Jessica almost smiled.

Casey’s eyes narrowed in on him, “Tyler you were on those tapes last year. How can you say that, and to Jessica of all people?”

Tyler blinked in surprise. “Oh,” he hesitated, going quiet again, “you’re right. Sorry Jessica.”

“It’s okay,” Jessica told him, “and I’m with Tyler. I think we should spare him from our revenge. He hardly even counts as a jock anyway.”

“Well, isn’t that just proof that it’s not only jocks who need a reality check? Like Marcus Cole. He’s just as much part of the problem as the rest of the jocks.”

Jessica frowned, “I guess so.” She sighed, looking around the group of girls, and Tyler. “So, uh, since it’s the first meeting should we introduce ourselves? Get to know each other and why we’re here.” Then she blinked. “And know that you don’t have to tell us anything you’re not comfortable with. We’re survivors and allies in both name _and_ action.” They were all nodding and looking around, so Jessica smiled. “My name is Jessica Davis, I’m nearly a senior and I joined HO because I started it.” They all laughed as she shrugged. “And I hope to provide some help to girls throughout Liberty in keeping them safe from the predators and boys who see our bodies as free fucking real estate to which they are entitled. Because they are _so_ fucking not.” There was a cheer that went up in the room, preaching every word Jessica had said. “So fuck rapists.”

“Fuck rapists,” Casey agreed. “Fuck Bryce Walker. And fuck their enablers. So, fuck Justin Foley too.” Jessica frowned, but she did her best to hide it. She hated that. Hated that everybody here who could relate to her story and sympathise with it, thought they knew it. When Jessica barely knew it herself. She felt so alone, thinking about the current issue at hand. The mistake she had made. If she told _anyone_ she would ruin her life. Her reputation. Her recovery.

If she told Alex, he would no doubt break up with her and she didn’t want to break his heart through that. There was no way he would help her either once he found out. She couldn’t tell her parents. Well, she could. But they would never trust her again. She couldn’t tell HO. She would face only judgement for being a ‘bad’ survivor. There was some kind of reserved judgement for girls in Jessica’s position, and until now Jessica had never realised how harmful and traumatising that was. There wasn’t a single person Jessica had in her life that she could count on right now to provide her with the compassion she needed. She was already angry enough at herself, she didn’t need that. She was already kicking herself for the stupid decisions she had made, and judging herself for it too. This wasn’t like what had happened to her before. This was Jessica’s fault. She just needed someone to understand that she had fucked up. But she didn’t have anyone, and that terrified her.

* * *

“I’m sorry for going off on you last night,” Jessica said, she slammed her locker shut and turned to face Alex.

“It’s okay. I get it. You guys used to hook up. Of course you took offence.” He gave her a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Hook up?” She scoffed. He sounded like the jocks, and he always had a habit over under-exaggerating, or over-exaggerating her relationship with Justin. “Seriously?” Jessica rolled her eyes, turning to lean back against the locker. “I was in a committed fucking relationship with him. He was the first person I ever had sex with. I fucking loved him.” Jessica panicked as she realised the words that had come out of her mouth. She went wide eyed.

Alex stared at her. “You love him?”

“I _loved_ him. In the past.” She smiled at him. “But I’m dating you.”

“So you love me?” Jessica’s eyes went to her feet.

“Alex…” She trailed off, and he just stared at her.

“You don’t love me?”

“No, I do,” she insisted. “I just don’t think we’re there yet.”

He adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder and rolled his eyes. “You don’t sound like you’re into this.”

“I am,” she insisted, “but I’m still trying to handle all my shit. My baggage or whatever. Can you respect that?”

He nodded sincerely. “Of course,” he said, “but can you respect my wishes as well?” She blinked at him, as if to ask, what wishes? “Jess, I don’t want you hanging around him. If you’re really over him, you’ll seperate yourself from him. For me.”

Taking a deep breath, she nodded, “Yeah, I’ll do it.” He stared at her, and she smiled reassuringly. “I promise.”

“Good. And you know, it might be really good for you. For your recovery and stuff.”

Jessica nodded, “yeah, I guess.” But she wasn’t sure. Maybe the best thing for her recovery would be the whole fucking school not having Hannah’s version of how Jessica was raped used as fact. A story they knew. A rumour they knew and studied like they did Romeo and Juliet, or Heart of Darkness. If they didn’t know, maybe Jessica’s heart wouldn’t ache every time she walked the halls of Liberty and felt eyes on her every time she passed Justin. No, not _his_ eyes. Everybody else’s. It was like they all stopped and stared waiting to see what Jessica would do. She never did anything.

* * *

“Can I ask you guys a question,” Jessica asked, “for something I’m working on for school?” Her parents nodded, shovelling spoonfuls of pumpkin soup into their mouths at the dinner table. “What are your honest opinions on abortion? It’s for a sex education thing we have to do.”

“I didn’t know you were taking sex education classes,” her dad said, “good on you, it’s important to learn.” Jessica nodded, spooning the soup into her mouth as she stared around at her parents.

“What’s abortion?” One of her brothers asked, and her parents glanced between each other.

“It’s something you don’t need to know about right now,” Jessica’s mother told them. “Just finish your soup.”

“Well, Jessica,” her father began, “I personally wouldn’t get one myself.” Jessica gave a small smile to humour him. “But, I’m not sure. I think under specific circumstances that it is understandable. But there are some circumstances that are plain cruel, and inhumane. Simply using it as a way to prevent pregnancy instead of using protection. You must be learning about that in your classes, though.”

“What other circumstances?” Jessica asked.

“Like, if you just forget to use protection,” he said, “then you had it coming.”

Jessica looked down at her bowl of soup, “what about women’s choice? Their bodies, their choices.”

“I am pro choice,” her father said, “but life is full of surprises. What’s the point of living if we have the ability to erase those surprises entirely?”

“And, remember,” her mother said, “that is a baby. Flesh and blood. Some women can’t even get pregnant. But some women go and have these abortions without thinking through what they’re wasting.”

“Would you ever get one?” Jessica asked.

She screwed up her face. “Never. I’ve always been responsible.” She laughed. “Don’t look so concerned, honey.” Jessica blinked away the unconscious expression that must have settled on her face. “You’re responsible, like me, I trust you to never need one.”

Her father scoffed, “especially now that you’re not with that drug addict anymore. He was bad news.”

“Yeah,” Jessica agreed, “I’m responsible.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor jessica :'(  
> and don't worry. justin starts to become involved in the story next chapter i promise.


	3. Pros and Cons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates will be more frequent due to the current state of humanity. i'm sure you all understand.

Making a fist, Jessica knocked on the door in the pouring rain. When no one answered straight away she pounded her fist against it harder. She screwed her face up and sighed, her hair getting soaked with rain. She hugged her bag tighter to her torso, and tried to keep dry under the small paneling at the doorstep. Jessica saw the lights on inside the main house and hoped that she was right in guessing that Clay was inside.

After dinner with her parents, Jessica came to a realisation. She had thought she was alone in this. She thought nobody would sympathise with her, or understand. Because nobody could know the secret that gave spiel to a hundred other secrets. She was pregnant. It was not her boyfriends. It was Justin’s. And yes, she was still in love with him when she really didn’t want to be. On that train of thought, thinking about how her parents would kick her out for what she had stupidly done, she realised she did have one ally. One person who knew her worst secrets, and one person she would have to tell eventually. She was terrified to tell him, but she was also excited. She really wasn’t alone. There was not a single secret she had to keep from him, and that was pure unadulterated joy for her.

She froze in her place as the door opened and found herself face to face with Justin. He looked like he always did. Good, but also slightly tired. His brow furrowed and he looked around the garden behind her.

“Hey,” he said slowly. “Uh, did you want me to get Clay?”

Jessica shook her head. “No,” she said, pushing past him and walking inside, “I need to talk to you. It’s important.” He let her walk in, and shut the door behind her.

“Yeah, okay. What’s up?” He followed her inside to stand by one end of the table and she on the other. She stared around the room. There were two beds, one either side. She could definitely tell which one belonged to who. There was a fridge, and a sink. A bathroom.

“This is nice,” she said, then smiled, “you’re still you I see.” She gestured to the messy side of the room and he laughed.

“Yeah, that hasn’t changed.” He leaned on the table and watched her awkwardly. This whole thing was awkward, and he had no idea just how bad it was going to get. “So, what’s, uh, what’s going on?”

Jessica pressed her lips together, staring around. “Can you promise me,” she said quietly, “that you won’t freak out?”

He squinted, hesitating, “Jess, what’s wrong?”

She stared him straight in the eye, “promise me,” she demanded. They were both staring at each other, a tense feeling looming over them

“I promise,” he said gently. He could see this meant a lot to her.

“Lock the door,” she then said. And he did, wandering back to lock it and then coming back to stand closer to her this time. Still, she was struck by hesitation to say the words.

“Are you gonna tell me? Or are you just here to like kill me, or something?” She rolled her eyes at him and he gave her a joking smile, he had tried to lighten her mood but it was never going to work. “Tell me,” he insisted, “or I _will_ start freaking out.” She bit her lip between her teeth and shut her eyes tightly, glancing down at her feet.

“Justin,” she said gently, and she didn’t even know if he could hear her. “I’m pregnant.” She waited a second before looking up to see his reaction. Their eyes met and she could tell he was trying to stay calm. For her.

“Shit,” was all he said. “Are you okay?” She shook her head. “Well… does Alex know?” She shook her head again, staring at her feet.

“It’s not Alex’s,” was all she could manage. Then it hit him.

“Fuck,” he whispered. “Fucking shit. Fuck.”

Jessica took a step froward and whacked him in the shoulder, scowling. “You promised you wouldn’t freak out.”

He went wide eyed. “Jess! You can’t make me promise shit like that, and then fucking tell me _that_. What the fuck.” He ran his hand over his face. “We are completely fucked.” Then he paused his breakdown to look at Jessica in all seriousness. “Are you sure?” With an eye roll, she dug her hand through her bag and pulled out seven pregnancy tests. Scowling, she dropped them on the ground between herself and Justin.

“Seven tests. With only one negative because I did it wrong.” She widened her eyes as if to say, go ahead and see for yourself. He bent down and picked up one, seeing the positive sign and then frowning at her.

“This is all my fucking fault. I’m so sorry.” He dropped it back with the others, staring as if in a trance.

She shook her head. “It’s both our faults. Don’t be sorry.”

He scoffed, “yeah, well, I’m not the one living with the physical consequences.” He stood back up and stepped closer to her. “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it,” he promised. “Anything.”

She sighed, staring at her hands, “I was thinking about maybe getting an, um,” but she couldn’t finish the sentence before she began to cry. Her hands came up to her face and she wiped her eyes. “I don’t know what to do and I’m _so_ scared.” His expression faltered, and he opened his arms out to her. Not even hesitating, Jessica wrapped her arms around him and began to cry into his shoulder. It was cathartic for her to finally have someone to cry to, someone to talk to about this. Even if he was just as terrified as she was.

“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” he whispered. “We’ll work it out. It’ll be okay.” She nodded, her tears making a wet patch on his shoulder. But she was pretty sure he was comforting himself more than her. And that was okay. It took her a moment before she calmed down and stopped crying, and he was used to seeing her cry more than anyone else was. That was comforting in itself. Jessica prided herself on her strength, her emotional strength, but right now she had none of that.

“I’m so fucked,” she muttered, shutting her eyes so that the final tears cleared from her vision. She pulled away from him and he hesitated before wiping a tear off her cheek. She let him, because she liked it when he touched her. It felt natural, and comfortable. There were voices coming from the main house, and Jessica’s eyes widened.

“Uh,” Justin hesitated, looking at the tests all over the carpet, “I can walk you home, if you want?”

Jessica made a face, “I’m pregnant. I’m not twelve.” That made him laugh. “Fine,” she decided, “I don’t really wanna be alone, anyway.”

* * *

He climbed through her window, and Jessica was standing on the other side with two bowls of ice cream. She handed one to him and sat down on the bed, watching as he paced the room.

“Sit down,” she hissed, “you’re gonna draw attention to us.” He stopped in the middle of the room and sat down on the carpet in front of her.

“Happy?” He asked, crossing his legs and eating the ice cream.

“Yes.” She pressed her lips together. “Thanks for coming in,” she said quietly, “I feel so alone. And this whole shit show has made me realise that I don’t have anyone who I know will love me… unconditionally.” Then she realised who she was talking to and fixed her sentence. “Other than my parents. But I can’t face them. I mean, I’m just so scared of this changing everything that I’ve worked so hard to get back.”

He nodded, “yeah,” he agreed. “I get it.”

She stared at the bowl in her hands. “How do you feel about it?”

He was quiet for a moment, staring at her but she wasn’t looking at him. “I don’t know, yet. I never really thought about it.”

She shrugged nonchalantly, “what’s the first thing that comes to your head when we talk about this?”

He went completely silent, and any hint of humour and joy left him altogether. “That I don’t even know what a fucking father is. I’ve never had one.” He sighed. “Not even a really shitty one to look at and learn from. I just… I feel like I know nothing.” And that wasn’t even specific to this situation. That was his life. He had no idea.

“I think you know a lot,” Jessica told him. “I think… if I really had to go through this with anyone, I’m glad it’s you.”

He scoffed, “really?” He almost found her honesty funny. And in all seriousness, Jessica couldn’t even believe it herself.

“Yeah,” she said with a small shrug. “You’re just really…” she tried to find the right words, “calm, and you make me feel calm. And when I feel calm, I feel safe. And I like feeling safe.” He avoided her eyes but she saw him smile. “I don’t know. I just feel like if it was Alex’s, he’s too… good… to actually get anything done.” She shrugged. “He's sweet, but he’s just not part of this world of like the real shit. I don't think I could trust him with something like this. I don't know. He’s sheltered. And he has his own shit to deal with.”

Justin nodded that he understood what she meant. “Yeah, I don’t wanna tell Clay, or his parents, about this for the same reason. He just wouldn’t get it.” He rolled his eyes. “I mean, if he couldn’t understand a heroin detox, then how can I expect him to understand this.”

Jessica smiled, humouring him. “Everybody thinks they’re above shit until it actually happens to them. Then they wonder why no one cares, and why people judge things.”

“Fuck,” he sighed, “this is definitely one of those times.” He ran his hand over his face and slowly nodded. “Okay,” he said, “let’s do a pros and cons list.”

Jessica cocked her head. “Jesus, are you fucking kidding me? A pros and cons list? This is a baby, it’s not a freaking school project.”

“I know,” he told her, “can we just try it?” Jessica sighed, she leaned over and grabbed a blank sheet of paper from her desk, then a pen. She slid off the bed and he shuffled back slightly until they were sitting across from each other on the carpeted floor. He handed her a book from the shelf that she could use as a flat surface and she leaned it on her knees.

“Okay,” she said, “let’s do this.”

“Cons,” he began, “it’s gonna fuck up a lot.” So she scribbled down the words _we’re fucked_ and looked back at him.

“Anything specific?”

“Our relationships with our friends. Our parents, well, your parents.” She wrote down _losing friends and family_ then looked back at him. “Other cons are that we’re seventeen. We have no money. Or jobs.” She jotted those down as well.

“Cons – we’re both pretty fucked up.” She wrote down _we’re also fucked up_ and heard him click his tongue in agreement to that sentiment. “Cons – we’d have to give up our futures.”

“Well, _you_ would,” he said. "This is the only future I have.” Jessica gave him a sympathetic look, then wrote down what he said. Under both lists she wrote the word _future_ and then looked back at him.

“We’ll be in each others lives for good,” she suggested, and he smirked.

“Does that go under pros or cons?” She shrugged, and wrote it down under pros. _Together. Forever._

“Pro – babies are adorable.” He laughed as she scribbled it down. “Bigger pro – our baby would be _so_ fucking cute.”

“It would,” he agreed. “Pro – any kid that’s half yours will be half perfect.” She couldn’t hold back her smile as their eyes met. “Another pro – they could have your smile.”

She pressed her lips together, and stopped herself from smiling. “Or yours,” she said. Then she wrote down _what if it looked like him?_.

He smiled. “You’d be a really good mom.”

She shied away. “No I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, you would. You’re responsible, and smart, and kind. And you’re always right. About everything.” She giggled.

“That wouldn’t make me a good mom,” she told him gently, and he frowned.

“Con,” he said, “I’m not good enough for you. You deserve to go through this with someone who has their shit together. And I don’t.”

“Pro,” she countered, “neither of us have our shit together.”

That made him smile slightly. “Shouldn’t that be a con?”

She bit her lip, shaking her head. “Nobody ever has their shit together when they have a kid. But at least we’re on the same page.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “I guess.” Then on the pros side she wrote down the one thing she shouldn’t have. _But I love him_.

“Pro –“ she said, “if we adopt it out, there could be a really happy family who want a really cute, tanned baby.”

He smiled. “Or if we keep it we could have a really cute tanned baby. And it would be half you and half me.”

“It’d be difficult not to love a baby like that,” she said. Then she laughed. “Con – I’m gonna get fat.” He smiled, but she legitimately wrote it down.

“Con,” he said, “what if we fuck it up? What if it turns out like me?”

“That would never happen. We’re not like _them_.”

He frowned, “but what if _I_ am? What if I let you down?”

“But what if you don’t? And we can be like one of those happy, perfect families that lives in the suburbs and we can have a house, and a garden. And children. And even if we are on our own, then, we can find a way to make it work. If we have to struggle, and suffer, then I trust you.”

He looked down at his hands. “We’re… together, in this scenario?” He asked.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Jess, that can never happen.” He was frowning, not meeting her eyes, “I’m bad for you, and you deserve a better life than struggling and suffering. It’s been my whole life, and I don’t wanna make it yours.” She put the list beside her on the carpet, and crawled over to him. Holding his face in her hands, she kissed him but he pulled away. “Jess, you don’t want to do this.”

She smirked. “Yeah, I do.” She pulled him closer and kissed him again. This time he didn’t protest. He didn’t have a reason to. She was already pregnant, what else could go wrong?

* * *

Chloe had her arms crossed as she sat at the lunch table and Jessica sat with her hands in her lap. They sat across from each other, and even though they hadn’t spoken in a while, Chloe was cold toward her. Jessica wasn’t offended though. She understood.

“Can I ask you something?” Jessica spoke, and Chloe nodded. “What was it like, getting the, uh…”

Chloe shrugged. “It was… scary. But I’m glad I did it.”

“What was scary about it?” Jessica asked curiously.

“Just that… it’s such a controversial thing. That once you do it, it kind of feels like you become defined by it. Like you’ll always be someone who had an abortion, and that may make people hate you, or respect you. You can’t just opt out of it.” Then she sighed. “But I think it’s better than being a teen mom.”

“Can I ask why?”

Chloe seemed nonchalant, but quieter than she usually was. “Being the mom of a kid whose father is a convicted rapist,” Chloe frowned, “I don’t know, I just… I don’t think that’s how I want my life to go.” She shrugged, staring around the empty courtyard. “It’s like, I just had to ask myself. Do I want to have his kid? And live with that, forever? And even if I gave it up, I mean, who knows what that kid would be like.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Jessica said.

“I thought I loved him, but even when I looked past the judgements of other people, and the pregnancy itself… I realised that I didn’t _actually_ love him. I just loved that he loved me.” Chloe frowned. “There were so many things that I would have to give up. And I didn’t think he, or that kid, were worth it.”

Jessica sighed, “Chloe, I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Then she frowned. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help.”

Chloe shrugged. “It’s fine. It’s over now.”

“Did you tell him?” Jessica asked.

“No. I couldn’t,” Chloe told her. “And I don’t think he would have made it any easier.” She huffed a sigh. “Before spring, Bryce would have been like the perfect boyfriend to go through that with. He was kind to me, and he was rich. He could have given me everything I needed. Paid for it all. That kid was promised the best education money could buy. It would have been perfect. And Bryce knew that.” Chloe frowned. “It was perfect but it’s not about perfect. It was about what I wanted, and how I felt. And I would rather be in love, and be happy with another boy and be _poor_ , and have to raise some kid. Than have everything handed to me, over a boy I can’t even see myself loving any longer.”

“It’s not about perfect,” Jessica summarised, “it’s about how you feel.”

Chloe nodded. “I could have all the money in the world, and hate my kid, and hate my boyfriend. Be divorced and it would be for nothing. All because I thought I wanted perfect, but perfect doesn’t mean happy.” Nothing in Jessica’s situation was ideal, or perfect. But she wasn’t sure what would make her happy. Aborting this child, and going back to life as normal. Back to HO, back to Alex, back to her family. Living as though it had never happened. Somehow that made her feel worse than any other choice. Living a lie because it benefitted her. But, her heart would never truly be in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everybody in this fic gets their chance to be trash & sympathetic. sooooo, while I don't want to spoil the ending - I am not trying to play favourites. I'm just staying true to canon characterisations.


	4. Your Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you're all staying safe from this cursed virus. updates will be more frequent bc of that lol <3

As Justin passed the supplies closet in the school hallway an arm popped out and grabbed him. He went wide eyed as Jessica appeared in the crack of the doorway.

“Get in here,” she hissed, pulling him into the closet. He very quickly slipped inside and shut the door behind him, making sure no one was watching.

“Are you okay?” He asked, folding his arms, and leaning against the door.

“Yes… No.” She made a face, and waved away the whole question. “I don’t know. I’m not _not_ okay.” He just blinked in confusion. “Never mind,” she sighed. “I know we’re just waiting to see how it goes, and if something really influences our decision. But I do really want to go to Planned Parenthood. Will you come with me?”

He nodded, “yeah, of course.” He stared at her. “Is it what you want?”

She shrugged. “I still don’t know. What do you want?”

He hesitated a moment, “I want whatever you want.” She nodded that she understood. He didn’t have to just be okay with this, Jessica wanted his opinion on it. But she also appreciated the fact that he respected her opinion too. It was a cycle that kept going around and around. She would make a decision. Eventually.

“It’s really scary,” she admitted, “thinking about getting an abortion.”

He stared at the ground. “Did you want to talk about it?”

Jessica waited until he looked up at her. “I am,” she deadpanned, and he smiled slightly. “I was talking to Chloe, and she said it’s such an inescapable thing. You’ll always be the girl who got an abortion. It’s like being raped again, but this time I’m making the decision. And it will affect me forever.”

“No,” he told her, “it’s not the same. People try and tell you that it’s wrong but it’s _not_. I know it doesn’t stop you feeling that way but Jess, you matter more than one stupid mistake. You shouldn’t throw away your future for this thing. It doesn’t even have fingernails yet. _Fingernails_.”

“You got that from _Juno_ ,” she said, and he didn’t dispute that.

“Still, you should do what makes you feel comfortable. Keep your interests at heart. Not the interests of your parents, or Alex, or anybody else.” Obviously he was more swayed toward the option of an abortion. He knew first hand what it was to be a fucked up kid whose parents didn’t want him, or plan for him to ever exist. He didn’t want to wish that on anybody else, let alone his own child, and let alone Jessica’s as well. He had already ruined Jessica’s life once, he didn’t want to do it again. But there was a very thin line between what he thought was best and what Jessica wanted. Maybe she wanted something else, and it wasn’t up to him to tell her what to do with her own body. If she wanted to keep it, or give it up for adoption, that was her choice because it was her baby too. And it was _her_ who had to get the abortion, or _her_ who had to give birth. Not him.

Jessica smirked, “and you thought it was weird when I said I’d want to go through this with you over anyone else.”

“It is weird,” he insisted, “I’m barely getting a C average in Math, you think I can raise a kid?” He said it harshly, but it only made them both start laughing. “How did we even get to this point?” He asked her. “Just 4 months ago I was homeless, and addicted to heroin. And you couldn’t even sleep in your own bed. We’re the last people who should have to deal with this shit.”

Jessica scowled. “And now I’m dating someone, while I’m secretly pregnant with someone else’s fucking kid. And you’re getting adopted by this perfectly well-adjusted family. And we’re gonna fuck up everything. Cause that’s what we do.”

“No,” he said, “that’s what I do. So we’re gonna go to Planned Parenthood after school. We’re gonna work out what to do. And then this frustration will be over.”

Jessica sighed. “I wish it was that easy.”

* * *

“Jessica Davis?”

They both stood up after hearing her name called. Everybody in the waiting room turned to look at them. Two relatively normal looking teenagers in a Planned Parenthood waiting room. Jessica and Justin followed the doctor down the hallway, watching as they passed room after room of white pristine walls. At one point, when they passed the fifth green door in the long hallway, Jessica reached out to hold Justin’s hand. She was nervous. She had no idea what they were going to tell her.

They stopped at a door near the end of the hallway, and it felt like she had been walking for hours. But she glanced back down the corridor and really the exit didn’t seem nearly that far. Her mind was playing tricks on her. The doctor opened the door and gestured for the two of them to come in and sit down. There was a pale blue couch beside the desk, and on the other side was an exam table that looked like a bed. The room looked just like every doctors office Jessica had ever been to.

“How can I help you, Jessica?” The doctor asked as she sat down in her desk chair, putting all her attention on Jessica on the couch.

“Uh,” Jessica glanced over at Justin, who was watching her, then back at the doctor. “I’m pregnant... And I just wanted to know what my options are.”

The doctor nodded, “I see. And how far along are you?”

“Five weeks,” Jessica answered, and the doctor scribbled it down.

“How old are you?”

“We’re both 17,” Jessica told her, and she scribbled that down too.

“So,” the doctor looked at Justin, “are you the father?” He nodded wordlessly, and Jessica moved closer to sit with him until their shoulders were touching. “And can I ask how the pregnancy came about?”

Jessica glanced at Justin, then back again. She was holding a breath she couldn't even feel. “We had sex. Without protection. And we didn’t think this would happen.”

“You didn’t have unprotected sex on purpose?”

“No,” Jessica answered quickly, “we kind of just… forgot.”

The doctor nodded. “I understand. It happens more than you think.”

“Oh, I imagine,” Jessica mumbled.

“So, the two of you are in a relationship? Or was this a…”

Jessica shook her head. “We’re not together. It was a mistake… I have a boyfriend.” Why did she feel so guilty when she said that, and no, not guilty about cheating.

The doctor nodded slowly. “I think I understand. And I’m not judging you. Are you wanting to get an abortion? Or would you rather carry to term?” Jessica hesitated. She didn’t know what she wanted.

“Well,” Justin said for her, “we haven’t made a decision. I think Jess wanted to hear what her options are, and I guess that could help us make a decision. Well, her. It’s Jess’ decision.” Jessica noticed that he was back to calling her Jess. He had done it a few times today but at the strangest moments she would notice, and it would make her smile.

“Okay, that’s a very smart way to go about it.” The doctor spun around on her chair and folded her hands in her lap as though all her attention was focused on Jessica and Justin. “Now, you essentially have three options. And I know that sounds scary, but beneath those three options is a multitude of others. And you are at an early stage so if you do change your mind in the next few weeks, that is a viable thing to do. Okay?” They both nodded that they understood. “So, your first option and probably the one that is best in your situation is abortion. Do you know what that is?”

“Uh, yes,” Jessica answered, “we’ve considered it.”

“Okay,” the doctor said, nodding. “So you understand that there are different ways you can go about this. Whatever is more comfortable for you as the mother. Often we do these procedures from now where you are, on to a later few months. However, once you reach five to six months we cannot do an abortion. The later you carry the more expensive the abortion will be. Okay?”

“How much?” Justin asked. “If we were to choose that now?” Jessica glanced at him but he wasn’t looking at her.

“Depending on your families and your healthcare, it can range anywhere between $300 to $700. Carrying to a later term can be thousands of dollars. So we do not recommend that unless it is an emergency.” Justin nodded that he understood, but it didn’t seem to make him anymore relaxed.

“What are the other two options?” Jessica asked.

“Carrying the child to term, is your other two options. And with that, you can either place the child up for adoption. A common choice for people your age, and you both seem healthy and smart. So we wouldn’t have any surface issues with this option.” Jessica looked over at Justin again, and he didn’t react. They were both thinking the same thing though. He wasn’t healthy, and honestly neither was she at this point. “Or you could raise the child yourself. It’s the most common and normal option for people. And I don’t mean that to sway your option as to what is normal. Your situation is valid, and we understand whatever decision you make. Conservatives will try to tell you that this is the only way to raise a child, and react in your situation. Please know that it is not. You can do whatever you want.”

“We understand,” Jessica said.

“So those are your three key options, and with that I can give you flyers on each. I can answer any questions you have. I can make you an appointment. Whatever you would like.” She smiled at them both. “Whatever you choose, we will support you through it.”

“What is the abortion process like?” Jessica asked.

“You make an appointment. It’s often a week or two ahead since we’re quite busy. But we can make exceptions. We need cash up front here. Which can be difficult but we have ways to help make the procedure more affordable, if needed. Depending on which procedure you choose, it can take a few minutes, or a few hours. Then you will have time to recover. We can write you a doctors note for time off school. We have resources available for psychologists and therapists if you’re having trouble coping. Both before and afterwards.”

Jessica nodded. “Okay. And what about if we choose adoption?”

“Yes, so,” the doctor took a breath, getting her thoughts together. “We like to start the adoption process early. So even now, the two of you will be given options for wonderful loving families that you can choose to let adopt your child. You get a lawyer to weigh up adoption fees and whether or not you would like to be in your child’s life…”

 _Your child_. _Your_ child. Your _child_. The words went round and round in Jessica’s head. This was actually happening. She was a child, and she was having a child. There was something oddly eerie about it. But, she felt ownership over this being already. Maybe not ownership, but she felt protective. This was hers. It would look like her, and it would look like Justin. It would be theirs. It was so fucking strange. But, she wanted to see it. She wanted it around so that she would never be lonely. So that someone would love her forever. And there would be someone _she_ would love forever. But she didn’t want a baby. She didn’t want to be a mother. Jessica wasn’t ready to make a decision. She didn’t trust herself to make the right one.

“Jess,” Justin nudged her shoulder, “what do you think?”

Blinking as she came out of her thoughts, she realised she had stopped listening. “What?” Jessica asked, looking between Justin and the doctor.

“What do you want to do?” Justin summarised the question, and she shrugged. “We’ll just see how it goes?”

“Yeah,” she looked down at her hands, then back at the doctor. “Thank you. Should we make another appointment when we make a decision?”

“Absolutely,” the doctor insisted, “don’t hesitate to come back if you have any questions.” Jessica tried to smile her thanks, because she couldn’t put voice to any words for how she felt. Everything felt so loud, and so crushing. There was so much weight sitting on her shoulders, and no matter what option she thought of, there was something deep in her gut telling her it was wrong. She didn’t know why.

Seeing Jessica’s demeanour falter, Justin leaned closer to her. “Are you okay?” She shrugged again and he took her hand. “Do you wanna go?”

“Yeah,” she mumbled, nodding her head. She blinked up at him, and it was almost as though he could sense the trepidation in her eyes.

“Come on,” he urged her to get up because he knew she would never be able to do it herself. He turned back to the doctor and smiled politely, “thank you,” he said. “That was really helpful.” Was it, Jessica thought, or did it just make everything more complicated?

* * *

Jessica put her feet up on the dashboard and sighed. “Thanks for paying,” she said, “I won’t ask where you got the money.”

Justin almost laughed. “It’s the last of what I stole when I ran away. The second time. The rest of it went to the Jensen’s.”

She looked at him from the corner of her eye. “I didn’t ask for a reason.”

Smiling, he rolled his eyes. “So when do the mood swings start?”

Jessica scowled, “shut up,” then she poked his shoulder aggressively. “I’m sorry for freaking out in there,” she said, “it all just got to me for a second. I think it’s kind of been like _there_ in the back of my mind. But I never realised it until that moment.”

“When she said it was our kid?” He asked, looking her in the eye. She nodded. “Yeah, that freaked me out too.”

“I just feel like no matter what decision I make, I’ll regret it. And there is like part of me that is swayed by the most flexible option.”

He was curious. “Adoption?”

“Yeah, like, the kid still gets to live. And so do we. And it’s like, I won’t have to regret getting the abortion, and I won’t have to regret raising it in case we fuck up. Instead, I can live knowing that our kid is having a fucking great life.” Then she shook her head. “But I’m still considering an abortion. Every time I think about walking around pregnant in the school halls, my own house and everybody knowing that after I got raped, I had sex again. And with you of all people.” She saw his demeanour change and she immediately regretted saying it. “I don’t mean it like that. I just mean…”

Justin nodded. “I know, Jess. It’s okay.” She slouched in the passenger seat, frowning, and he sighed. “If you want the abortion I can get a job. I’ll get the money and we can do that. And nobody has to know. Or if you don’t want to get one, I’ll do whatever you want. I can get my shit together, and I can get a job and I can do whatever you want. I promise.”

She frowned, “you don’t need to–“

“Yes, I do,” he insisted. “I owe it to you. To do whatever you want me to do.”

“Don’t say that.”

He was shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter what you choose. I’ll do everything I can to help you.” Jessica sighed, leaning back and stretching her legs across the dash when they cramped.

“Justin, can I tell you a secret?” He glanced over at her, and to Jessica that meant yes. “I only regret having sex with you because now we’re in this position. And because it was cheating. But on every other level – I don’t regret it. It wasn’t a mistake.” They sat in silence for a moment, in a parking lot at a Planned Parenthood that was as far from local as they could find after school.

“Then why are you still with Alex? Why haven’t you told him the truth?” He didn’t look at her, he just looked out the windshield at the other cars.

“How can you ask me that?” She shook her head. “Everyone has heard that tape. It doesn’t matter what I think anymore. My parents hate you. HO hates you. I should hate you. And I don’t.”

“But why does that matter?” He shrugged. “Shouldn’t it just matter what you want?”

“You don’t get it,” she said, “I just feel like if I do choose you, I’m gonna be choosing wrong.” She frowned. “Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they’re good for you.”

“Well, do you love Alex?” She shrugged. “So you’d rather force yourself to love someone and tell yourself you’re happy, then face any kind of controversy.”

“Last night you told me that _we_ could never happen again,” she said, scowling, “what game are you playing?”

Offended, he made a face. “What game are you playing? Last night we had sex again, and then today I saw you with Alex.” He looked at his hands. “Jess, I do love you. But… I’m not gonna be some pawn in whatever this is that you’re doing. I’m not gonna ask you to choose, because that’s stupid. But… Please think about what it is you’re doing.” She was silent. Because he was right. She had no idea what she was doing. And maybe once she did some soul searching it would make this decision easier. If she chose Alex, got this abortion and never told anybody about what she had done. Or if she chose Justin, and came clean. Came clean about _everything_.

"I do care about you. It's not a game to me," she whispered, "I swear on my life." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think we ALL love jessica and justin, and think they deserve only the best. please be nice to jessica, i know she's making things difficult but she's in a really scary situation and her love life isn't helping make her decision any easier.


	5. Baby Clothes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't think jessica or justin truly want this kid. i think they want something else.....

Jessica walked through the door into Monet’s. It had been almost a week since she and Justin had gone to Planned Parenthood and decided to wait until Jessica was truly ready to make a proper choice. Since then they hadn’t spoken much. Every night he would text her and make sure she was okay, and she would always respond with a simple yes. They texted. A lot. Not even about the baby. Just random stuff. It was like the honesty Jessica felt with him bled into other areas of her life that weren’t a secret. She told him about HO. He told her about how Zach wanted him to start playing football again. If she distanced herself from him it made the decision easier. Or at least she had hoped it would. But so far she couldn’t even stop texting him, let alone erase him from her life like Alex thought she had. In that time he had done exactly as promised. He got a job. And at Monet’s of all places. And Jessica and Alex had begun to work on their relationship. Still, she hadn’t agreed to sex just yet. Not when she felt like this.

“Justin,” she called, and he turned around to see her walking towards him.

“Jessica,” he countered, “what’s up?” Then he looked her up and down, laughing. “Jess, what are you wearing?” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him.

“Shut up,” she hissed. Her tracksuit pants and her plain pink blouse was one of the strangest outfits she had ever worn. “I tried on my all jeans, all my skirts and all my shorts. They're all that little bit too tight.” She huffed. That was the problem when she started stress eating during her pregnancy. “So, I need you to come shopping with me.”

He laughed, “sure. We can go after my shift ends. Okay?” She nodded. “Do you want a hot chocolate?” And she nodded again, reluctant, knowing that he got how she felt.

“How are you?” She asked, and he looked bewildered.

“Fine…” He smirked. “How are you?”

“I’m managing,” she told him. Then she let out what she had been building up over the last 12 hours. “Alex wanted to, you know, last night. And I had to lie and tell him that I felt like fat, and gross.”

“Do you?” Justin asked.

“Yes,” Jessica insisted, “but he can’t know why. But anyway, he was like ‘but you’re so beautiful’, and…” she groaned in annoyance. “I hate lying to him. But he’s gonna hate me.” Justin couldn’t even look at her. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, “I just don’t have anyone to talk to about this.”

He shrugged. “That sucks.”

Jessica frowned, standing up straight beside him at the counter. “Are you mad at me?”

“No,” he answered, filling a take away coffee cup with hot milk.

“Then what’s wrong?” She asked him. She was staring but he wouldn’t look up at her.

“Jess, this is my life too. It’s my future that you’re putting off making a decision about. And I care about you. A lot. And all I want is for you to be happy with your decision. But, can you just understand that this _does_ hurt me. Just as much as it hurts you.” She frowned, nodding that she understood. “It’s my future too. My relationships that are on the line. My future. For real. Whatever happens, I don’t even know if Clay’s parents will want to adopt me after this. I’m trying so hard to be good enough for them. And I failed. On my first fucking day.”

“I’m sorry,” Jessica told him. “And I understand. I do.” He slid the cup of hot chocolate over to her. “Are you still gonna come shopping with me?”

He cracked a smile. “Yeah,” he decided. He had a difficulty staying mad at her for more than a few minutes.

She bit her lip. “Thank you,” she said gently, “for being honest with me.” He stared at her. “Do it again.”

His brow furrowed. “What?”

“Tell me something. Honestly.” She was watching him, wide eyed.

“Okay,” he shrugged, glancing around, “I don’t know how long it’s gonna take me to make enough money for you. For whatever it is you choose.”

Jessica nodded that she understood, “that’s okay. We’ll work it out.” For the first time it was her telling this to him. Jessica thought he deserved than that, because he was right, this was his life too. And there was no one she would rather share this experience, and her life, with.

* * *

“I’m pretty sure I can’t be in here,” Justin insisted. But Jessica didn’t care. She shuffled around to the mirror in the small changing room.

“It’s fine,” she said. “Now,” she began as she pulled her shirt over her head and then she pulled her tracksuit pants off. “How do I look?” She stared at him with curious wide eyes.

“Very sexy,” he mocked her, “I’ve never seen you wear that bra before. Is it new?” She squinted at him angrily and whacked him with her shirt.

“Shut up,” she said, her hands coming up to cup the hideous bra she was wearing, “they _hurt_. A lot.” Then she cracked a smile. “Come on, be honest, can you tell?” She turned on her side and put her hand on her stomach.

He made a face, “honestly?” She nodded, genuinely. “A little.” He bit his lip, and adjusted the way he was standing. “Yeah, only a little. But there is like a small bump.” He reached out and touched her stomach to show her exactly where he could tell.

“Fuck,” she whispered, and he withdrew his hand.

“But,” he said, “the only reason I can tell is because I know you.” She made a face, confused, and he tilted his head. “Jess, we’re not even dating and you’re very comfortable right now, standing in a dressing room half naked in front of me.”

She nodded, “yeah, we’ve had a lot of sex.” Then she turned to look in the mirror at herself. “Do you think Alex will notice?” He shrugged. “Do you think my parents will notice?”

“Only if they see you like this,” he said. Jessica screwed up her nose and put her hand over her stomach. She just stood there, staring. Staring at herself in the mirror. Then at him behind her. Just watching.

“This is what I’m supposed to do, right?” She asked him defeatedly. “This is what they always do in the movies. I’m supposed to feel it, and know exactly what I have to do.” He moved closer to her.

“Do you?”

She shook her head, her eyes still on her reflection. A girl she barely recognised. “No,” she mumbled. Jessica took a deep breath and he wrapped his arms around her from behind. She blinked away tears, and he kissed her hair.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to know.” Unable to look at herself any longer, Jessica turned around and hugged him, crying into his arms once more. It felt like that was all she did anymore.

* * *

“So what are we looking for?” Justin asked her.

“Clothes that aren’t tight,” Jessica said, filing through a clothes rack. “Anything that won’t bring attention to my stomach. But also it should look cute so I can wear it again.”

He laughed. “Okay, sure.” He pulled one item off the rack and held it out to her.

Jessica screwed up her face. “That’s ugly. Put it back.” He was smiling as he put the hanger back on the clothes rack, and went back to following her around the store.

“We should just go to Walmart,” he suggested, knowing it would annoy her.

“Shut up,” she snapped, “I am never taking your clothing advice. Ever.”

“Really?” He asked her playfully. “Cause from what I remember when we used to hang out it was hard for you to keep your clothes on.” She slowly moved her head back to look at him, and the glare on her face was hard to match.

“That made no sense. Shut up.” He only laughed. “You’re in way too good a mood right now. It’s sickening.”

He smiled, “I think you’re just in a bad mood because the last four pairs of jeans didn’t fit you.” She scowled at him angrily and he defensively held his hands up. “Sorry, I’ll shut up.”

“Finally, you’re so annoying.” That only made him laugh more. The mood swings were funny now, but if he had to put up with it for another eight months he thought he might just lose his mind. So he followed her around the store and kept his mouth shut, only taking hangers with clothes from her when she passed them to him. He figured that anybody watching them would be thoroughly concerned for his wellbeing in this relationship, but they had no idea what was really going on.

Jessica gasped, grabbing his arm. “Look,” she pointed across the store at the kids section, “there is a little onesie with an avocado on it, like that vine.” She looked like she was about to burst into tears.

“For fuck sake,” he muttered, “Jess, don’t look at the baby clothes.” But it was too late, she grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the other side, nimbly dodging the clothes racks and other customers in the store. He begrudgingly followed her, still holding onto her hand and the clothes she had piled on him. She stopped at the racks of clothing on display, reaching up to get the onesie down. “Jess,” he protested but she wasn’t listening. She turned to him and held it out, pouting.

“Tell me it’s not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen,” she said, her wide eyes were pleading.

He gave in and smiled, “yeah, it’s kinda cute.” Then she grinned.

“I know!” She stood up on her toes and put the onesie back. “Baby clothes are adorable.”

“Yeah,” Justin agreed, “they have to be so people put up with how annoying and loud the actual baby is.”

She huffed, “that’s true. But do you have to be so negative right now?” She smirked anyway. “And I can’t imagine how annoying _your_ kid would be.”

He shrugged, “that’s fair, I walked right into that one.” Then she smiled at him, indulging herself because for once she did feel some genuine happiness. It was like she was living some kind of double life, and everything on the surface was fake and mellow, but everything she felt inside was true, and good. How did she let it get this way?

“Oh shit,” Jessica felt someone bump into her from behind and she turned to look.

“I’m so sorry,” it was a woman carrying a baby. “It’s so hard manoeuvring these strollers around in the shopping centre.” Jessica stepped up against the racks of clothing to let her go through.

“That’s okay, you just scared me.” As the woman came through with the stroller Jessica looked at the tiny baby inside. “Oh my god, it’s so cute, how old are they?” As Jessica leaned in, Justin rolled his eyes at her. She was not making this decision easier for herself.

“Eight weeks,” the woman said, “eight long weeks.” And Jessica smiled.

“Jess,” Justin interrupted, “let her go through.” Of course he meant more than just let the woman pass, but he couldn’t let the stranger know that. Jessica moved out of the way, shuffling closer to Justin and waiting for the woman to go on and continue her shopping.

“Did you think that baby was cute?” Jessica asked him. She reached out to hold his hand again.

He shook his head, waiting until the woman was far enough away. “No, it was ugly.”

Jessica tugged on his hand, “you think our baby would be cute though, right?” He stared at her, taking in her pretty wide eyed gaze and her lips as they were almost smiling.

“Obviously,” he said. Because it was hers, and she was perfect. He wanted to kiss her. He would have if she wasn’t dating someone else. And if last week she hadn’t decided to stop playing with his feelings and commit to her actual boyfriend. He wasn’t going to fuck up her decision, he wasn’t going to fuck up a relationship that meant something to her. Or one that would be better for her than he ever would.

* * *

It was dark, headlights flashed past every so often on the busy street, but Justin didn’t move. When the figure he was waiting for emerged from the shadows of the city alleyway, he pulled back the hood of his jacket.

“What the fuck do you want?” Seth asked, and Justin stepped away from the shadow on the wall.

“I have a proposition,” he said, glancing around to make sure they were alone. “I need a job, and you need someone new who can sell. The cops got all your dealers before spring. It was all the news in juvie.”

“So?” Seth crossed his arms and leaned back on his feet. “What has that got to do with you?” The dealer was scowling. “You still owe me thousands in debt. Don’t think I’ve forgotten.”

“I know,” Justin said, “but I need a job.” Seth smirked, and Justin almost wanted to run away. He couldn’t though. He needed this.

“You need a job, or you need drugs? You can’t steal from me again.”

“No,” Justin told him, “I need money. I _really_ need the money.” He shrugged. “Look, let me sell for you. I don’t care if it’s heroin, or meth, or fucking Oxy. Anything. And I can work off my debt. Eventually. Right now I really need the money.”

“Why? Tell me what you need it for.” Justin didn’t speak. “Tell me, or the deal goes nowhere.”

He sighed. “My ex girlfriend is pregnant, and I promised her I would help her afford it. Whether that is the kid itself, or hopefully an abortion. But I need the money so that she can make a decision.”

Seth smirked, “you knocked her up. Sounds about right. Your mom always said it would happen eventually.”

Justin made a face, “shut up, Seth. You have no fucking idea what happened.” He sighed. “But that’s the deal. I’ll sell for you, or I’ll go to whichever one of your fucking rivals is here in Evergreen and I’ll offer to sell for them. And I know all your tricks, so business won’t survive here long.”

“You sound like a proper fucking dealer,” Seth remarked. “I’ll consider the offer. If you do me a favour.” Justin looked at him expectantly. “Tell me where your mom went. I want to have a little chat with her.” The fear and terror he felt in that moment was only paralleled to Jessica’s secret last week that she was pregnant. Somehow this terrified him more. The only person Seth wanted dead more than Justin, was Amber. But Justin didn't know where she was, and there was no way Seth would take that for an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ending was not planned whatsoever. i came up with it like five seconds ago and then just wrote it in lol. but.... you can see where things may be headed. or not. next chapter is when things begin to heat up.


	6. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drama picks up and everybody starts to fuck up everything. and i mean eeeeeeverything. also: 10 points to anyone who can spot the little women (2019) dir. greta gerwig reference/quote in the first part 
> 
> warning for: jess and al*x sexual content in the first chapter but i cut it short bc i ain't writing that and no one wants to read it. plus i rated this as T sooooooo

“What’s up with you this week? You’ve been acting really strange.”

Jessica blinked. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m fine.”

“I don’t buy that,” Alex said, “I think there is something you’re hiding.”

Jessica shook her head. “No, no.” She glanced around her bedroom, not wanting to lie to his face. “I’m just very tired. And Bolan has been on me about HO and my activism towards the jocks.”

Alex nodded, but it wasn’t sincere. He was mocking her. “Oh, really?” He looked at her seriously. “Is that why you went shopping yesterday with Justin?”

Jessica almost went wide eyed. “What? I never went shopping with him. What are you talking about?”

Alex frowned. “You’re lying to me with such confidence. What the hell?” He looked heartbroken. “Zach saw you both. You were at the mall in a fucking clothing store together. That’s not platonic, nor is it just the two of you running into each other. Tell me the truth, Jess.”

She rolled her eyes, “you’re reading into it. I was shopping, and so was he. I ran out of money and he offered to pay for my clothes. Because we’re friends.”

“You’re friends?” Alex echoed. “Friends? After I asked you not to hang out with him.” He was right. Jessica had done something stupid, and she shouldn’t have been friends with him. She was hurting Alex, and she didn’t want to be.

“No, look, he wouldn’t leave me alone.” Great, she thought, now you’re throwing Justin under the bus. Good on you, Jess. “I couldn’t get him to go away.” She looked over at Alex and he wasn’t buying it. “Alex,” she said, moving closer to him, “I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you.” She reached out to hold his face, then kissed him. “Please?” She pouted, begging him with her eyes.

He smirked, “you can’t solve everything with sex,” he told her.

Jessica scoffed, “yeah I can.” On the bed, she sat up on her knees and pulled her shirt off. Alex went from smiling to staring at her. “What? What is it?” She looked down and saw the tiny bump on her stomach.

“Nothing,” he said quickly, “you just look different.”

Jessica cocked her head, “bad different?”

“No,” he shook his head, “no, you look good. There is just something different.” He shrugged it off. “Whatever, it’s fine. You’re really pretty.” The comment made her feel nothing. _He_ made her feel nothing, and she hated that. She wanted to feel something. Anything.

“Good, now shut up.” She pushed him back onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Still nothing. It just felt weird. And maybe that was because all the voice in her head was saying was: Can he see it? Does he know? Is he suspicious? Do I look fat? Does he think I’m ugly?

“Jess, you’re so aggressive,” he complained with a laugh. “Calm down. We have time.” She didn’t listen though. She just wanted to feel good, because she hadn’t felt good in so long. And she deserved to feel good, and to be happy.

“Shhh,” she whispered, “don’t be a pussy about it.” She would have kissed him, but she didn’t want to. Instead she just started to unbutton his pants. She didn’t need foreplay, not with him. She didn’t want to either. Honestly, she didn’t know what she wanted. Jessica pulled her sweatpants down, sliding them off until she was sitting over him in her underwear. He reached out to touch between her legs, slipping his fingers inside her underwear and rubbing. Still, she felt nothing. All she felt was frustration, and discomfort. She let him keep going, since this was her making it up to him.

They had sex. Because she was making it up to him. She hated the idea of hurting him when he had been nothing but kind to her and when he was struggling himself. She hated suffering for him, to preserve his love for her. But she didn’t love him the way she loved Justin. She just loved that he loved her. She cared more to be loved, and to be perfect, than she did to be happy. And maybe that was wrong. She cared more to keep people’s opinion of her in high esteem than she did to be a real person with flaws and shortcomings. And feelings. When she was Justin she felt everything, and she was happy, and she was in love. But when she lived a lie, she felt nothing. And maybe it was better that way. To feel nothing.

Afterwards Alex got up from the bed, and wandered over to the other side of the room, stretching his legs. Jessica lay on the bed, with her phone. She didn’t look over at her boyfriend as he wandered the room half naked. No, she was thinking about other things. Justin’s contact was up on her screen as she stared, debating whether to text him or not. What would she say? I just had awful sex with my boyfriend and I was thinking about you and the not-awful sex we had the other night. No, she couldn’t text him that. She was trying to keep their relationship platonic. Like it should be.

“Jess, what is this?” She looked up and Alex was standing by her desk, holding up a piece of paper. “Pros and cons for what?” Her heart skipped a beat. She wished she could die in her place right then and there.

“It’s nothing,” she said.

Alex looked at her with a smile. “Pro – what if it looked like him? Con – we’re also fucked up. Pro – together forever. Con – seventeen. Con – no job. Pro – I love him.” Alex was staring at her, he couldn’t believe what he was about to say. “Jess, are you…”

Her eyes widened. “Yeah,” she admitted. There was not a single lie she could come up with.

“How?” He was wide eyed. “Did the condom break? I thought you were on birth control.” Jessica didn’t think this could get any worse. And then it did.

“I don’t know,” she lied, “I haven’t been on birth control in months. That must be how.” She mentally cursed herself. Was it crueler to lie and keep him happy, or crueler to tell the truth and ruin him. It was crueler to lie, but somehow Jessica couldn’t stop.

“Shit,” he said, “I don’t know how I’m gonna tell my dad. He’ll kill me.”

Jessica nodded slowly, off in her thoughts. “Yeah, it’s scary.” She clicked on Justin’s contact and sent him an urgent message.

_I’m coming over. Now._

* * *

As soon as Justin opened the door Jessica stormed inside. She threw her bag down on the floor and put her hands on her hips, her eyes following him as he stood in confusion, staring at her.

“I get it now,” she said with a nod. “I get why you lied.” She was breathing heavily, like she was about to have a panic attack.

He squinted, and shook his head. But he knew what she meant. “Why?” He asked.

“Because it’s easier to lie, and keep lying, than hurt someone you care about.” They were just staring at each other from only four feet apart. He singled in on her, searching her expression for some kind of context.

“Jess, what did you do?” She screwed up her face and huffed in frustration. She threw her arms up and walked further into the outhouse.

“Alex found the list we made.” His eyes went wide. “And now he knows.”

Justin was staring at her. “But…”

“But he thought it was his, and I let him believe it.”

Justin ran his hand over his face with a sigh. “You’ve got to be _fucking_ kidding me.” He stared at her, his hands gesturing wildly. “Why? Why would you do that? What is wrong with you?”

“Don’t yell at me,” she shouted, and he hadn’t even been yelling. Her eyes welling with tears made Justin stop and realise that it wasn’t the way to go about this. She was scared, and she knew she fucked up. What good was him being mad at her going to do?

“You fucked up,” he said gently, “but you have to come clean.”

Jessica shrugged, “what if I just get the abortion and let him believe it was his.”

He frowned, “Jess, you’re not the kind of person who does that shit. You’re not a bad person. If you let this continue you’re only going to fuck up your relationship more.” Jessica stood staring at him. She noticed his sincerity.

“There is something more. Tell me,” she said. “Tell me what’s on your mind.” Taking a deep breath, he wandered over to sit on his bed. Jessica followed, leaving her bag at the door and coming to sit beside him. She drew her legs up underneath her and watched him, worriedly.

“My mom used to do shit like that,” he told her. He didn’t seem to care about it, but still he seemed haunted. “She used to poke holes in condoms, and she never took birth control because it cost her too much each month. But she would tell them she was. And then when she got emotionally attached, she would get pregnant from whatever fucking guy it was. And then she would get to like six months in, and she’d kill it.”

“What?” Jessica was wide eyed.

“With like drugs. Or alcohol. She couldn’t afford an abortion. And the last time she had a kid, the guy left. Abandoned her.” Jessica frowned. She knew he was talking about himself. Then he laughed, but there was no humour behind it. “You know she used to tell me that he left when she was seven or eight months pregnant. And so she tried to get an abortion, but no one would let her. And she drank and she did some shit, I don’t fucking know what, but… she still had me. She’s regretted it ever since.”

“Regretted what?”

He stared at his hands. “Not paying for the abortion. Even a really fucking dangerous one.” Then he started to cry. “She told me she would rather be dead. _Dead_. Than live the life she has… But she was high when she said that.”

Jessica frowned. “That’s awful,” she whispered. “I’m never gonna become like that. You know that right? I’m not her.”

He nodded, and she reached out to hold his hand on the bed. “But what if I am? What I’m like her?”

Jessica’s heart broke. “Justin,” she whispered, “don’t say that. You’re never gonna be like her. You’re so much better.” He only shook his head. He wasn’t better.

“I always thought I’d never end up like her. But here I am, a drug addict. I’m 17, and you’re pregnant. And I’m so close to fucking up the one chance I have at a better life. Because I’m just like her.” Jessica reached out to touch his face.

“I think,” she said to him gently, “I think I want to have this baby. And I want you to be there for it. Not because I need you, but because I know that you’ll be great at it.”

“I’m not ready,” he said to her.

“Neither am I.” She sat up on her knees and leaned over to kiss him. At first he didn’t kiss her back, but he did give in. He was as lonely as she was. And he loved her, as much as she loved him. Jessica held his face in her hands and smiled as he kissed her back. She gently pushed him back onto the bed and climbed over him. And it was true, this time – with him – she felt everything. And it drove her crazy. She kissed him again and again, and it felt good. It felt right. She reached down to pull her top off, but his hands paused her.

“Jess, stop,” he said, moving from underneath her. “You need to stop doing this.” He shuffled up to the head of the bed, leaning against the wall. She watched him, her eyes wide and pleading. She wanted this so badly. She felt some kind of normalcy for once.

“What?” She asked him. “What did I do wrong?”

He made a face. “Seriously? You just lied to Alex over something incredibly serious, and now ten minutes later you wanna cheat on him. Again.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m sick of this. Stop fucking around.”

She scoffed, “you kissed me back,” she countered. “You’re not so fucking holy.” She folded her arms and glared at him. “Besides, who the fuck are you to tell me about lying? Don’t you remember what you did to me?”

“Jess, I know,” he said, “but my mistakes shouldn’t be your mistakes.” She frowned. “You have to come clean to Alex. It’s obvious you don’t love him like you want to. And he deserves better than you putting him through this.”

Jessica scowled. “Don’t tell me what to do. You have no idea what I’m going through.” She stared at him, wondering how even when he was angry at her, he was still perfect. “Just because you do love someone, doesn’t mean that you should,” she told him.

He raised an eyebrow. “And just because you _think_ you should love someone, doesn’t mean that you do.”

Her scowl deepened. “Fuck you,” she spat. “You broke my fucking heart. And then you ran. You don’t get to tell me about love, and about who I can love. You don’t have the faintest fucking idea.” But he did. He understood. He just didn’t want Jessica to hurt herself while all these lies piled up and up. He had tried it. He had been in that position. And now he was a heroin addict, dealing drugs and lying to everybody who cared about him. Still. That could never be Jessica.

He watched as she stood up and left, grabbing her bag off the floor and storming out. She yanked the door shut behind her and he just sat there. Thinking about what she had said. _I want to have this baby and I want you to be there for it._ He had to prove to himself that he was better than his mom, and better than his deadbeat father. He had to be better. Because Jessica deserved better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jessica has made a decision? or are there factors she hasn't considered? factors like a heroin addiction she doesn't know about.......
> 
> also i hope my alex characterisation was better this chapter, second chap i just needed him to be isolating for jessica, to emphasis her loneliness. and driving her into this state of terror and how much she relies on justin to keep her own sanity in this situation. #meta i know


	7. Going To Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jessica & justin are going to hell for how chaotic they both are in this fic. don't even ask. i don't even like alex but boy deserves a whole fucking lot better than this.

Jessica took a left down the school hallway, seeing Alex walking towards her at the other end. She couldn’t face him. Not right now. But he followed her, and he kept following her until finally she couldn’t go anywhere without it seeming like she _was_ running away.

“Jess,” he called and she turned around at the end of the hallway.

“Alex,” she put on a smile. “What’s up?”

He frowned, “what’s up? After last night that’s all you can say. Really?”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry. Everything’s just crazy right now and I was in my head. I didn’t think about it.”

He was staring at her curiously. “You ran away last night. We didn’t even get a chance to talk.” He tried to touch her but she avoided him, moving back.

“Yeah, my mom needed me to do some stuff for her.” Wow, she sounded like Justin. “I’m sorry. What if we talk about it later?”

“Or,” he suggested, “we can talk about it now since it’s the most pressing issue at hand.” She scoffed, waving away his concern.

“Alex, I can do this myself. It’s fine.”

“Do this by yourself?” He questioned her. “Jess, I don’t give a shit what you think you can do. This is a fucking kid. And it’s partly mine.” She rolled her eyes.

“Well, you told me last week that you thought abortion was murder.”

“I didn’t fucking say that, and you know it. I didn’t mean any of it. I thought you were scared,” he defended, “I thought it was what you wanted to hear.” He hadn’t even considered the flaws to this entire argument. Moments after they’d had sex she had asked him about it. How could she have known she was pregnant? But she couldn’t point that out. She was going to tell him. Just not now.

“Alex, I have to get to class. Can we talk about it another time?”

He only stared at her. “You’re acting so strange.”

She shrugged, “I have to go. I’ll call you later, okay?” He went to protest but she walked off, taking out her phone to text Justin. _We’re going to Planned Parenthood again._

* * *

“Hey, what the fuck?” Justin turned around to see the person yelling at him from across the hall.

“Hey, Alex… What’s up?”

“What’s up?” He stopped inches away from Justin’s face. “I think you should leave Jessica alone.”

“Jessica? What did I do to Jessica?” He glanced around at all the people watching them. “Alex, maybe we shouldn’t be having this conversation here.”

“No, I’m good,” Alex told him. “Jessica told me what you did to her. You stalked her. At the mall–“

“Wait, wait, she fucking told you that?” Justin couldn’t believe it. Jessica hadn’t told _him_ that. Now she had drawn him into her lies to Alex.

“Yeah, she did. It wasn’t enough to ruin her life now you have to come back and ruin her even more?”

Justin rolled his eyes, “Alex, if you really think she’s ruined, I think that has more to do with you than her.”

“What does that even mean?” Alex asked, and people were standing and staring at them now.

“What I mean is that you should really ask Jessica if she thinks she’s ruined too. Or if maybe that’s just how you feel.”

“I don’t think she’s ruined,” Alex bit back, “I just think you’re a piece of shit.” Was Alex really self conscious of him? Of the same person who was on probation for being an accessory to his girlfriend’s rape?

Justin smirked, “obviously you don’t think that. Dude, she’s dating you, and the fact that you’re picking a fight with me over this,” he shrugged. “it’s kind of pathetic.”

“You’re pathetic,” Alex snapped, “you can’t get over the fact that she chose me. Not you. And that she’s never gonna choose you. Because she’s too good for you. And you’re just a white trash junkie.”

Justin shrugged, “yeah,” he agreed, “I am, but always remember that you were her second choice. And don’t forget how your relationship ended the first time.” He leaned in so no one else could hear this time, “you should treat her better than that, because she has high expectations from fucking _me_.” Stepping back, he began to walk away.

“You’re an asshole,” Alex shouted back at him.

Justin shrugged. “Whatever.”

* * *

“So that was interesting,” Jessica remarked as they walked outside.

“I guess,” Justin said. He wasn’t listening. “Do you feel okay? Is there anything you need?”

She smirked, “I’m fine.” When he paused outside the sliding doors, she put her hand over her stomach. “It’s still so strange.”

He smiled, “I know right. So fucking strange.” He grabbed her hand off her stomach because they both knew if she did that for too long she would burst into tears again. Jessica had rarely been one to cry, but her hormones were rampant now, and she cried constantly, and over everything. “Jess, are you sure about this?” He asked her.

“I think so. Are you okay with it?” She stared up at him, and if he was being honest, this baby was the only excuse he had to stay in her life. So yes, he was sure.

“I think so too.” He looked down at the ground. “You know you’ll have to tell your parents about this. And I’ll have to tell Clay’s parents. And Clay. And you’ll have to tell Alex.”

She tugged on his hand. “I will,” she insisted. “I promise.”

“Don’t promise me, promise him.”

She frowned. “Are you scared to tell them?” Sheepishly, he nodded. “Why?”

“They’ve agreed to adopt me. Not some fucking kid. And what if they abandon me. What if it ruins the adoption process because I have a kid? Like, I could be completely fucked if this comes out.”

Jessica shook her head. “Do Clay’s parents seem like the type to do that? To abandon you when they were willing to adopt you after, what, you went to juvie for being an accessory to rape? When they knew you were on drugs? When they knew you were troubled? Come on. They’re not like that. They’re good people.”

He stared at the cement on the ground. “They’re gonna be disappointed.”

Jessica smiled gently, “have you ever disappointed someone whose opinion you care about?” He shook his head.

“Just you.” He had never really cared about anybody else’s opinion of him. Only Jessica’s, and he had failed her.

“It’s a great way of working out who thinks they love you, and who actually loves you.” She shrugged halfheartedly. “I think if you make a mistake, no matter how bad, the people who really care about you will still care. And the people with unrealistic expectations of you, who don’t know you, will leave because they don’t _actually_ care.”

“You seem to know a lot about it,” he said, surprised.

Jessica tilted her head, “I did take five months off of school where no one came to visit me. And I could barely leave the house.”

He nodded gently. “Yeah, I forgot about that.” They stood outside the door, Jessica leaning back and forth on her toes.

“I’m, uh, I think I’m gonna break up with Alex,” she said into the quiet.

He looked at her. “Do you want my honest opinion?” He asked.

She groaned, “what?”

“I think you should come clean to him, and let him break up with you.”

She scoffed, “why would I do that?”

“Because it’s the nice thing to do,” he said, confused that she didn’t get it. “You’ve cheated on him, and you’ve lied to him. And now you’re leading him on with this. And you want to keep the kid. Maybe if you wanted an abortion, he would understand. But you still insist on cheating, and lying.”

She frowned. “Why are you being so awful to me right now? You’ve been shitty with me all week. What’s wrong?” She reached up to touch his face. “Are you tired? The bags under your eyes are much more… obvious, today.” She poked his cheek, right where the bags under his eyes were. He shoved her hand away and took a step back.

“Jess, what the fuck?” She frowned at him. “Yes, I’m really tired. Because I’m up night after night worried about whatever the fuck you’re gonna do. And if we’re gonna make the right choice. And you just keep fucking with everyone who loves you. It’s like you’re not even taking this seriously. It’s a fucking human being just like all the people around you. And if you treat us like this, how are you gonna treat this kid?” He scoffed. “I just feel like it’s all me right now. But it can’t be. I have other shit to deal with too.” When he looked back at her, she started to cry. Her eyes were full of tears, and she was frowning.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, fully breaking down. He should have expected this. “It’s just so hard because I know once I come clean I’ll lose his friendship forever. Because I don’t deserve it. But he was the one person who was there for me when I was struggling. When I had no one else.” She covered her face with her hands. “I’m so selfish. And stupid. And I’m giving up the one good thing in my life because I’m a stupid fucking reckless–“

“Stop,” he paused her. “And just calm down. Okay?” She took a breath and wiped her eyes. “You come clean and all these awful fucking feelings go away. Not the guilt. But the worrying will be over. I know from experience. Building it up just makes it feel worse. And it makes you hate yourself.” He shrugged. “And that is no way to live.”

She pouted, “will you hold me?”

“Just this once,” he said softly. She shuffled closer and he wrapped his arms around her. “God. You’re so moody,” he complained.

“Shut up,” she whispered, “you heard the doctor. I’m hormonal… and I’m horny all the time. It’s kind of annoying.” At that he laughed.

“You’ve always been like that though.” She made a face, but he couldn’t see it. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he reached down to pick it up. It was Seth, whose calls Justin had been ignoring all day. “Give me one second,” he said to Jessica as he pulled away from her. She stood outside the sliding doors, folding her arms as the small bump on her stomach was barely noticeable.

“Can you drive me home?” She called out as he walked off, and he nodded back to her that he would. He turned back and pressed answer on the call, walking far enough away from Jessica that she wouldn’t be able to properly hear.

He held the phone up to his ear. “What the hell do you want?”

“Not the really the way to speak to your new boss,” Seth said across the line. “I’ll allow it this once.”

“So I got the job? I can… do it?” He asked, barely whispering.

“Yeah, you got it,” Seth told him reluctantly. “I got two jobs for you. One tonight and one tomorrow. A test. Are you up for it?”

Justin hesitated. “Well, what are they?”

“Come see me. I can give you the product.” Justin glanced over at Jessica who was standing and waiting, staring back at him.

“When?” He asked.

“As soon as you can.”

Justin sighed. “I can come now. Like half an hour… You still in the same place?”

“No, I’ll text you.” Justin didn’t respond. He knew there was more coming. “I looked for your mom. Couldn’t find her anywhere.” Seth laughed over the line. “You know what that means.”

“Yeah, I know,” Justin said, “I will pay you back. Just give me time.”

“She shows up and your debt is gone. Got it?”

Justin was quiet. “Are you gonna hurt her?” He looked back over at Jessica, and he panicked.

“It’s not your business what I do to her,” Seth said, but Justin was barely listening.

“I gotta go,” he said. There were five women and two men walking across the street from them, they were crossing at the intersection and Justin’s gaze went from them back to Jessica who was completely unaware. “I’ll see you in half an hour.” He ended the call and quickly shoved his phone in his pocket.

“Who was it?” Jessica asked as he quickly walked back over to her.

“My probation officer,” he lied, “we gotta go.” Her brow furrowed as he grabbed her hand.

She smirked, “what’s up with you?” He gestured with a nod to the approaching people and she went wide eyed. “Fuck me,” she muttered, and he shared the sentiment.

“Don’t worry about them,” he said, “they’re not gonna fuck with us.” She held on tighter to his hand as the people came up to them. Their signs, like pitchforks, hung by their sides, and their scowls were like something out of a nightmare.

“Murderers,” one of them spat. They thought that Jessica had gotten an abortion.

“Scum,” another yelled.

“Abortion is murder,” a man hissed. He came up close to Jessica and stood over her until she cowered back. “You’re going to hell,” he told her. He was almost touching her, and Jessica took so many steps back she was almost standing on Justin’s feet.

“Leave her the fuck alone,” Justin shoved the man back.

Jessica scowled, “yeah, leave us the fuck alone,” she echoed. She stood up straight and pushed two women out of the way so she could get out.

“You can still save your baby before it’s too late,” one of them told her. As Justin was urging Jessica to keep walking, she turned to the woman with a smirk.

“How about you suck my dick,” she snapped, and Justin would have laughed if he wasn’t so unsure of what the protestors were capable of. This was the one thing that worried him about coming to Planned Parenthood, just because he didn’t know how it would sway Jessica’s opinion.

“Sex before marriage is a sin!” One called as they walked off.

Justin turned back to them and rolled his eyes, “go fuck a church,” he shouted, and Jessica smiled back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Power Couple™


	8. Honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alex has every right to be mad about this. i don't at all intend for him to be seen as the "bad guy" bc he's not. we all know who is in the wrong here. and yes, you can do bad and still have sympathetic intentions. jessica always does. i think his comments and anger towards her are very sexually based, but like, understandably bc in the show he was super angry that he dumped her for justin in general, he had no idea she cheated on him. but now he knows.... so this is his reaction. (also that she lied to him about something really important)

Jessica stared at the carpeted floor in the biology classroom. “Alex, I’m two months pregnant.”

He nodded seriously. “I know.”

“Alex. _Think about that_.” He blinked, and when it registered on his face, he went through a dozen emotions at once. Terror, anger, hatred even, sadness, regret, heartbreak. Mostly anger.

“How?” Then he scowled. “Who?”

She couldn’t meet his eyes. “Who do you think?” His face screwed up in anger.

“When?” He asked her.

“Spring Fling.” She frowned, staring at the ground. “Alex, I’m keeping it.”

He scoffed. “Why?” Jessica didn’t know if she could handle this. The questions. The judgement. Especially from him.

She glared up at him. “Because it’s not yours. It’s mine. And it’s none of your business why I’m keeping it.” She crossed her arms and leaned against the desk in the empty classroom.

“So, do you love him?” Jessica didn’t respond. “He’s gonna fuck it up, Jess. You know he will.”

She shook her head. “He won’t,” she insisted, “he loves me. He would do anything for me.”

Alex smiled, but it wasn’t a friendly smile. “That’s not love. That’s stupidity. And it’s the only thing he knows.”

Jessica looked at her feet. “Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Obviously you did. Or you never would have done it.”

“I didn’t, I swear. I was just hurting.” Jessica was speechless.

“And now I’m hurting because you couldn’t keep it in your fucking pants.”

She scoffed, “are you calling me a slut?” Who cares. Maybe she deserved it.

He shrugged. “You work it out. And try not to fuck anyone while you do.”

Jessica screwed her face up. “Alex, I couldn’t even hug my dad for three months. _Three_ _months_! I couldn’t sleep in my own bed! I couldn’t feel anything for months. But then Justin came back and suddenly _he_ was all I thought about. The only thing I felt was pain, and _love_. I just wanted him back. But I didn’t want to want him back. I wanted it to be perfect, with you.”

He smirked. “But what? He just fucked you better than I did?”

Jessica shook her head. “Alex, no. It’s not about that.”

“You both deserve each other. You both lie and treat the people around you like shit.” Then he smirked, mockingly. “Not to mention the only thing you’re both good for is fucking.”

Jessica screwed up her face. “Yeah, like you would know.”

“Don’t talk to me again,” Alex said, “I’ll keep your stupid fucking secret. But just leave me alone. I don’t want to see you ever again.” He picked up his bag from the floor.

Her eyes filled with tears. “Alex, I’m sorry,” she called as he started to walk out.

“Yeah I’m sorry too. I thought you were better than him. I guess not. You’ll both do anything just to get fucked.” Jessica frowned and watched as the door slammed behind him. Maybe part of what he said was right. She was just as bad as Justin was. Maybe even worse? Especially so if Justin was the one telling her to come clean about it. But their relationship had nothing to do with sex. Well, it did. But, it was more than that. And was it so awful that a rape survivor wanted to feel good in her body again? Feel comfortable, and she had found someone who made her feel that way. Even if he was someone she could never be with.

Jessica walked out of the classroom and down the hallway, feeling the eyes on her like she was a person of interest. They had probably heard the yelling, and seen Alex storm out. Who was to say she didn’t deserve this? The stares. The judgment. She couldn’t deal with it though. The eyes on her. The whispers in every direction. She spotted Clay by his locker and quickly walked toward him.

“Clay,” she called, and he looked over his shoulder. “Where’s Justin? I need to talk to him.”

Clay slammed his locker closed and shrugged, “he’s at home. He’s sick, apparently.”

“How sick?” Jessica asked.

“Barely,” Clay said with a frown, “he coughed like once, and even then it sounded fake.”

Jessica smiled, “sounds about right,” she said.

Clay shrugged, “Tell him I won’t bring him any homework he misses.”

Jessica only smirked, “I doubt he cares.”

* * *

When Justin opened the door he stared in confusion. “Jess, what are you doing here?”

“I broke up with Alex,” she said. “I told him the truth.” She tilted her head and stared at the wall behind him. “He… called me a slut and wasn’t happy about it.”

“He didn’t,” Justin said, “he wouldn’t.”

“He did,” Jessica insisted, “and he implied that you’re also a slut.”

Justin shrugged, “well, who can blame him.” Jessica laughed, she took a step closer to him. “How do you feel?”

“Like shit,” she responded, frowning, “I am the worst person on earth.” Her shoulders slumped, she really did feel immense guilt.

He was close to laughing, “welcome to the club.” He stood aside and let her walk in.

“So,” Jessica trailed off, stepping through the doorway. “You’re sick?”

He shook his head. “I just wanted a reason to skip. Alex wouldn’t leave me alone yesterday, and now I’m guessing today would have been worse.” He followed her into the kitchen area and she leaned against the bench.

“Sorry about that,” she tilted her head, begrudging her apology. “I was such an asshole to you as well. And I will try to do better by you.”

He smiled, “you’re forgiven. I know it’s not easy for you…saying you’re sorry.”

She smirked. “Yeah, I hate apologising. Clay told me to tell you he won’t bring you any homework you miss.”

He put on the fakest pout he could, “oh darn.”

She smirked, “no one says that.” He just shrugged.

“How is the baby?” He asked her, genuinely curious. He reached out to touch her stomach, but he couldn't do it for too long, then it would really hit him that they were in this situation and it wasn't just a strange dream where Jessica happened to wear sweatpants a lot, and still look hot. If he thought of it like, that it was a really good dream. Reality however, was much more daunting.

“It’s fine. Weird calling it ‘it’ but, it’s fine.” He smiled at her, and reached over to the fridge and got out a bar of chocolate.

“They were selling chocolate at Monet’s the other day, and I got you some. To apologise.” Jessica took it from him and smiled.

“Apologise for what? You didn’t do anything.” Jessica looked down at the wrapper and saw a little note warning people, mostly Clay, not to eat the bar.

“I told Zach about this.” She raised an eyebrow at him, opening the chocolate bar.

“Why?” She asked.

“He saw us at the mall the other day, and he was the one who told Alex.” Jessica nodded that she knew. “Well, he asked me what was going on after he went and fucking narced to Alex. And I just thought if he knew maybe he would lay off, and like, help explain to Alex how innocent it really was.” Then he gestured nonchalantly with his hands. “And come on, it’s Zach. He told me he helped out Chloe when she got an abortion. We can trust him.” Then he sighed and Jessica watched him inquisitively. “He promised to keep the secret if I join the football team. So, that’s what I’ll be doing after summer school ends.”

Jessica smirked. “I think the sex appeal of you being on the football team is now cancelled out by the summer school.”

He scoffed, “bullshit, I’m sexier now than I’ve ever been.” Jessica laughed, she reached out to touch the inside of his arm, at the faint scars that he had from the needles. “So you’re not mad about me telling Zach?”

“Not at all,” she said, “if he runs his mouth you owe me like ten of these chocolate bars though.” He conceded that was a fair deal. “You went behind my back though,” she said, “and I dunno if a chocolate bar apology is gonna cut it.” With a smile, she stepped closer to him and kissed him. He didn’t refuse her this time. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t wrong. Wasn’t there supposed to be like a two day wait period between breaking up with someone and kissing someone else? Then again, Jessica had never closely followed the rules. She hooked her arms around his neck, and his hands went to her waist, then her thighs. Pulling him forward, Jessica jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist until he was holding her. She kissed him once more, smiling as she did, then pulled back.

“You’re holding two people right now. Is that weird?” She was staring down at him, her arms still holding herself to him so neither of them fell.

He tilted his head. “I’m pretty shit at math but isn’t it more like one and two ninths.”

She smirked, “It’s so hot when you get math right.” She leaned in and kissed him once more.

* * *

Laine stepped into the kitchen, looking curious. “Jessica, you’re in my house.” She glanced between Jessica and Justin.

Jessica went wide eyed, sitting on the kitchen bench. Neither of them had heard the front door. “Yes… I came by to see Justin.” He took a step back from her so it didn’t look like they were just doing what they were doing.

Laine put her bags down on the table. “Even though he’s supposed to be sick?” She turned an inquisitive look to them both.

Jessica shrugged nonchalantly. “I was just dropping off his medicine, for his…sickness.” This wasn’t the first time she’d had to lie about such a concept.

Laine stared at them both, she wasn’t buying it. “I didn’t know you two were on such friendly terms.” She dug her hands into the shopping bags and began to unload the groceries. They were nodding.

“We’re friends,” Jessica insisted, “Clay just told me that he was sick, and I had second period off so I thought I would pick him up some medicine. For his cold.”

Laine looked up at the clock on the wall. “It’s almost 2pm,” she observed. How had they become such terrible liars?

Jessica faked a laugh, looking beside her for help. “He didn’t know how to take the medicine. So I helped him.”

“It’s true,” he agreed. “I didn’t know.”

“Okay,” Laine said, handing him a bag of fruit to put away. “Do you two wanna tell me what’s really going on? Or do I have to pry?”

Jessica nudged him. “You can tell her,” she whispered. And Laine watched them expectantly.

“Tell me what?”

Justin looked up at Jessica on the kitchen counter, “are you sure?” She nodded. She meant this. It was easier than telling her own parents. He looked back at Mrs Jensen and then at the ground. “Jessica’s pregnant,” he admitted, “and she’s _having_ the baby.” He looked up to see Laine’s expression. She was standing still, looking at them both.

“It’s his,” Jessica pointed at Justin. “It’s not Alex’s.”

“Okay, that’s a lot to take in on a Friday afternoon.” Laine took a breath. “How long?”

“Almost two months. It was Spring Fling.”

“And you’re planning to keep it? Are you sure about that idea?” They glanced between each other.

“No,” Jessica admitted, and it felt nice to admit that to an adult. Someone she trusted. And she trusted Mrs Jensen a lot.

“We’ve had a fuck load of trouble trying to decide,” Justin explained. “We don’t know what we’re supposed to do.”

“You’re both seventeen,” Laine stated, “and you’ve both been through… a lot, in the last few months. I don’t think this is any time for you both to be considering having this child. It’s just not safe for you both.” They both nodded. They knew she was right.

“What should we do?” Jessica asked her.

Laine almost smiled, “what I think is that you should tell your parents, Jessica. I think they are your best source of wisdom right now. Not me. And especially not him,” she pointed at Justin. And he wasn’t offended.

“Promise us you won’t tell anyone,” Jessica said. And Laine begrudgingly nodded.

“I trust you to make a good decision. I’m a lawyer, I’m not a nurse.” She sighed, picking another food item out of the grocery bag. “I’m disappointed in both of you. You should know better, but I’m glad you’re taking a mature stance on this. Not just making a decision alone.” She looked up at them. “Have you been to Planned Parenthood?”

Jessica nodded. “Twice. Last week and yesterday.”

“What did they say?” Laine asked.

Justin looked between Laine and Jessica before he answered for her. “They gave us some information on the different ways we can go about it. And how adoption, and stuff could work. Or if we actually kept it. Or if Jessica did get an abortion.”

“Have either of you considered the timeline? That you’ll have this kid in the middle of your senior year, and you’ll likely both have to repeat.”

Jessica frowned. “Really?” Laine nodded.

“Do you think Principal Bolan would want his Student Body President being pregnant?”

Jessica’s face turned even more bitter. “You’re right,” she said reluctantly.

Justin turned to her, and touched her leg. “Jess, I’m sorry.”

She shrugged, as if it were nothing. “It’s fine. We should get an abortion anyway. It’s for the best.” She stared at her hands. “I’ll go back to the student body, and HO, and you can go back to playing football. And we’ll go back to ignoring each other in the halls, like we always do. Pretend it never happened.”

“Jess…”

She scoffed, “don’t… I just broke up with the one person who I thought would be the perfect one for me. All for this fucking kid, and because _you_ told me to. And now, I’m just gonna go back to Liberty with nothing. No change. Everything is just gonna be the same.”

“It doesn’t have to be the same.”

“Yes it does. You don’t get it. When people see us together their first thought isn’t oh they must love each other. It’s wow, look at that _slut_. Look at that girl who will do anything just to get _fucked_.”

He shook his head at her. “No one says that.”

“Yes, they do. Tell me six months ago that wouldn’t have been you saying it? Or me? Because it’s just normalised, to think other people’s shit is our shit. That we can have opinions on other people’s lives like it’s nothing.”

He scoffed, “Jesus, you think I don’t know what it’s like to walk through those halls and feel like everyone is judging me? Jess, I feel it every fucking day. From the fucking heroin, to the homelessness, to the fucking tapes. You’re the victim, they feel bad for you. And I’m the one they hate. Because Bryce _isn’t_ there. People don’t want to talk to me. They don’t sit next to me in classes. I know how it feels. I do.”

“But you don’t care!”

He smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. “Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean it hurts less.”

Jessica huffed. “This isn’t a thing,” she told him. “And it never will be.” Jessica jumped down from the counter and picked up her bag.

“Jess,” he tried to reason with her but she wouldn’t even look at him.

“Thank you, Mrs Jensen,” was all she said as she walked out. Laine just stood there in shock, glancing between the door Jessica had abruptly left from and then back at Justin.

“I’m so sorry,” Laine said, “I didn’t intend to break you two up.”

He shrugged, “you can’t break up two people who were never dating. It’s not your fault.”

“Did you wanna talk about it? All of it?” She asked him kindly, and he would have taken her up on the offer if he didn’t have other things on his mind.

“No, thanks. I’ll be okay.” Maybe drugs would fix the whole thing. They had last time. 

* * *

Jessica woke up to a knock on her window. She groaned, and turned over. It was the racoons again. Then there was another knock, then another one. There was only one person who climbed up to her window and knocked like that. She threw the sheets off and climbed out of bed, rubbing her eyes as she stepped over to the window. It was dark, and the only light that came through was from the nearly full moon. Jessica could barely recognise Justin in the moonlight, but when the light reflected off his expression she was even more confused. She pulled the window sill up quickly and tried to reach for his cheek.

“What the hell happened to your face?” She asked in a whisper, running her finger along the bruise on his cheek.

He stared up at her sadly, “can I come inside? It’s kind of cold out here.” She nodded, holding the window up so he could come in. He climbed through, trying to be quiet but struggling as he grimaced in pain.

“Jesus,” Jessica muttered, “are you okay?” When he fell onto the carpet of her bedroom, she leaned down to help him stand up.

“I’m fine,” he assured her, finding his feet eventually.

“Come sit down,” she grabbed his arm and led him to the bed. “Now tell me what happened.” As he sat down, she kneeled in front of him and looked over the marks on his face. She ran her thumb over the bruise on his cheek and he didn’t even flinch. There was blood trailing from his nose, down his chin and pooling in a patch on his shirt. Jessica frowned, “God, you haven’t looked this bad in a long time.” At that he laughed. “I’m gonna get you a cloth and an ice pack,” she stood up and started out her bedroom door. “Give me a minute,” she whispered back to him and he nodded. Tiptoeing down the stairs, Jessica was careful not to wake her parents. She went through the kitchen and searched the cupboards for a cloth she could soak. Once she found one she very gently opened the freezer and found an ice pack, grabbing an extra cloth to wrap around it so it wasn’t too cold. With the two things in hand, she quietly made her way back up the stairs and into the bedroom. When she got there he had turned her lamp on, and she handed him the ice pack.

“Thank you,” he whispered. Jessica came to sit beside him, drawing her legs up under her and pressing the wet cloth to the blood on his face.

“You don’t have to thank me,” she said in response. “But I do wanna know what the fuck happened to you.”

“You have to promise me you won’t get mad.” They made eye contact and she frowned.

“Is it that bad?” She asked, and reluctantly he nodded.

“I had nowhere else to go,” he admitted, “I thought you would understand. After last time.”

She smiled at him, “after many times.” He nodded that she was right. “Does it have to do with him?”

“Yeah,” he whispered, “sort of.” She turned the cloth around and saw all the blood she had collected from him.

“Be honest, were you hurt anywhere else?” He stared at her for a second, and she could tell he was debating his honesty right now. That was enough for her to know. “All right,” she sighed, pulling on the shoulder of his jacket, “take it off.” With a smile he did as she asked.

“You’re such a mom,” he said, pulling his sleeves off and shedding the jacket.

“Be quiet,” she whispered, smiling, “next layer too. Come on. Don’t be a stranger.” He would have laughed if it didn’t hurt so much. He pulled his shirt over his head, reluctantly because it hurt to move. Then she took it from him and threw it on the ground. “Well, shit,” she looked back at him, “you look like one of those extras in a war movie.”

He laughed, “what, like, the dead ones?”

She smirked, “yeah, the dead ones. Who had their legs blown off in the war. Or their arms, or their heads.” He laughed. “What did you do, fight a bear?”

He made a face, or at least he tried to. “If I’d fought a bear you’d know.” She watched him expectantly, waiting for the truth. “I got into a fight. With some drug dealers. They… beat me. Badly. And it really fucking hurts.”

“I bet,” Jessica whispered. “So, were you buying drugs?” She dabbed the bleeding cut on his waist with the cloth. She wouldn’t look at him.

“No,” he told her halfheartedly, “I was selling them.” She paused to look up at him, and he stared at her. He didn’t look proud of what he had just admitted.

“Why would you do that?” Then she went back to wiping the rest of his blood. “I’m not judging you. I just want to know.”

“I did it for you,” he said, and she could barely hear him. “I couldn’t make the money that I promised you I could. And it’s, like, all I can do right now. Other than hug you when you cry, go to Planned fucking Parenthood with you, and give you shitty life advice that fucks up everything.” He sighed, frowning. “Jess, I just wanted it to be okay. So I went to Seth, and I offered to deal for him. To make up my debt, and to get enough money for you.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” she said, “you could have told me.”

“I did. I told you I couldn’t make the money. But I… I couldn’t fail you. I couldn’t be a failure like everyone expects me to be.”

Jessica sighed. “We’re really fucking stupid for thinking we could do this alone. Like really stupid.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, “honestly, I think Mrs Jensen is right. I don’t think we can do this. Like, at all.”

She nodded, “me too.” She frowned. “Do you think you can forgive me? For wasting so much time making this decision?”

He touched his face, and his lip began to bleed again. “Yes, because I think… that I’ll love you forever.”

She smiled, “that’s an awfully long time.” With a cloth she wiped the blood off.

He smiled back, “it’s not awful. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Her heart could have skipped a beat. “To love someone forever?”

He nodded. “And to be loved. Forever.” Jessica could have cried, knowing that he had lost everyone in his life so far who could love him unconditionally. And here she was taking hers for granted. Her parents, and her brothers. And him.

“I think…” Jessica began, pulling her hand back and staring at him. “That if you promise never to break my heart again. That I could love you… forever.”

He held his hand up to her, with his pinky. “I promise,” he said. Smiling, she pushed his hand out of the way and kissed him instead. He tasted metallic, like blood. But this kiss only lasted a second before she pulled back.

“I love you,” she told him. “And I don’t want you dealing drugs, for me, or anyone.” That made him smile, if tiredly since he could barely stay awake right now.

“No,” he mumbled, “you would be a fucking great drug dealer. But you shouldn’t. You’re too good for them. You’re too pretty. Like, so fucking pretty.”

Jessica made a face as she laughed. “Are you high?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m just really tired.”

She smiled at him, and yes, she was tired too. “Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”

He shook his head. “No, can I just, like, sleep here tonight?”

“Yeah,” she said smiling at him, “but are we gonna talk about what to do?”

He nodded tiredly, “yeah, tomorrow.” She looked at him for a moment, and he could have been asleep then and there, his eyes were definitely closed. It was almost funny.

“Okay,” she whispered. She took the ice pack from his hand, by his cheek, and then grabbed the bloody cloth up. As she stood up and moved them onto the other side of the room by the bookshelf, she locked her bedroom door. In case morning came, and her parents discovered a boy in her bed. Which had happened once before but this time she feared it would be much worse. She went back over and found him asleep on her bed. He was nice enough to take his shoes off, and to lie with his back against the wall so she could sleep in his arms. When she climbed back into the bed, turning her lamp off, he wrapped his arms around her. Jessica wanted to cry. Everything had seemed so strange and unfamiliar. But even now, when she had no idea what tomorrow would look like, she felt good, and happy.

“I really do love you,” she whispered into the pitch black. She moved closer to him and his arms tightened around her. He didn’t respond straight away, he was close to passing out from exhaustion she assumed. But when he did, her heart broke.

“Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this whole fic is just:  
> jessica and justin: *arguing*  
> jessica and justin, not even five minutes later: *having make up sex* or *being soft*
> 
> leave a comment or a kudos if you ❤️ ty i appreciate any feedback, or criticism (only constructive thx)


	9. Not Clean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is A Mess™ bc my plan is falling apart. so if there are some loose ends that are not tied up by the end. i'm sorry. i have quarantine brain. but it'll be fun and chaotic and soft by the end without doubt. so hold on for that reason specifically.

“Fuck…”

Jessica’s eyes snapped open and she sat up in bed. “What?” She stared around trying to understand what was happening.

“I look like shit,” Justin said, he was standing on the other side of her bedroom, looking in the mirror. Jessica groaned and flopped back down onto the bed.

“You look fine,” Jessica told him, closing her eyes so she could go back to sleep.

He scoffed, turning back to her, “fine? I look like some kind of… fuck, if I know.”

“Shh,” she mumbled tiredly, “let me sleep.”

“Jess, it’s like 12. You should get up.” She groaned and looked to the alarm clock beside her. 12:04pm.

“What if I just sleep forever?”

He laughed. “Sure, I’ll just go down and say hi to your dad then.”

Her eyes snapped open again. “No you won’t.” He only smiled. Walking back over to her bed, he leaned over her and she stared up at him.

“I have to go,” he said and she pouted, reaching up to touch the bruise on his cheek.

“You do look pretty awful,” she told him, “maybe you should just hide out here until you look cute again.”

He scoffed, “you really want me to stay? Looking like this?”

She grinned, nodding. “You always look cute to me. Even when,” she tried not to laugh, “even when you were really high and your eyes got super red. Even then you were cute.”

He smiled at her. “You should have seen me when I lived on the streets, that was _not_ cute.” She poked the bruise on his cheek and he didn’t flinch.

“Does it hurt?” She moved over so he could lie beside her. The offer was too good to refuse so he lay down and turned on his side to look at her.

“Not really,” he told her.

Jessica nodded, “the drugs right? They numb pain receptors after you’ve used them for some time.” He smirked, surprised she knew what she was talking about. “When I found out… I did some research.”

“Did you?” It sounded rhetorical, but he was genuinely curious.

“Yeah,” she said, “I just wanted to know what was going on. With you. And if you would be okay.”

He frowned, “will I? Be…okay?” Glancing at the wall behind her, he couldn’t look into her eyes. “I’ve never really done any research on it. It’s different when it’s happening _to_ you.”

“I don’t know,” she whispered, “but as long as you’re clean you’ll be okay.”

He stared at her. “What if I’m not… Okay?” She didn’t really know how to respond. This was a serious thing. He was serious. Neither of them knew the full consequences of what had happened to him, and what those drugs had done to him.

“Whatever okay is for you, it’s okay for me.” He smiled gently and she reached out to touch the healing scar on his face. “Jesus,” she whispered, “promise me no more selling drugs. Please?”

“I promise,” he told her. “Do you want the money I got from it though?” He laughed and nodded to his jacket on the floor. “I got like two hundred and you can have all of it.”

Jessica shook her head, “I think you might need it. For plastic surgery purposes.” She poked his cheek and he laughed.

“It’s not that bad.” She leaned in and kissed him once before pulling back with a smile.

“You still taste like blood.” He pouted. “You used to taste like weed, so I don’t know if this is an improvement or not.” That made him laugh.

“Definitely not an improvement.” He kissed her and she pulled back.

“Wait a second,” she put her hand on his neck, “you said we could talk about last night.” He nodded, if a little reluctantly. But who was he to deny her answers to the strange thing that had happened last night. Even if he could barely remember it. “Tell me the whole story,” she said, completely serious. He moved away from her, their faces were too close and he couldn’t keep staring into her eyes like this, or he would never be able to tell her the truth.

“I went to Seth, and I asked him for a deal. The deal was I worked and paid off my debt, and I could make money through dealing at the same time. Then he offered me a second deal.”

“What was the second deal?” Jessica asked.

“I find my mom, and I’m out of debt,” he told her simply. “That was the deal.”

“Shit,” Jessica mumbled, “so did you?”

He shook his head. “And I don’t think I’d want to anyway.” She looked at him curiously, as if to ask, why? He could find his mom. She could sign proper papers for his adoption… probably. She could get her shit together even. Be an actual mother and he wouldn’t need to be adopted. “Because she’s gone, and I don’t know what the hell Seth will do to her if she comes back. He says he wants his money. But, I think he wants more than that.”

Jessica nodded, “yeah, I get that. Don’t you wanna see her though? Know how she’s doing?” He had never talked about his mom since he got out of juvie, even then it was never about how he felt. It was about how she had failed him as a parent.

“Yeah, I do,” he admitted. “I just wanna know she’s okay.” Jessica gave him a sympathetic smile. “Can I tell you something?” She nodded. “I’m the reason she left. Everyone was always telling me what a terrible mother she was for running, and just fucking disappearing on me. But, I feel guilty. I haven’t told anyone. I told her to go. I gave her the money to run. Seth thinks _she_ took it. But I did. I’m the whole reason I’m in this situation.” Jessica frowned.

“I had no idea,” she whispered, “but do you like living with Clay?” He nodded, and she knew he was going to. “Good. But, it is okay to miss someone. Even if they did hurt you. How you were treated by her, doesn’t immediately cancel out all the kind things she did for you. Don’t let people invalidate how you feel, just because it’s not what they expect. She was your mom, you can miss her. That doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to find her.”

He nodded, “yeah, I know.”

Then Jessica tilted her head, “hey, wait,” she smiled, “what if we paid back your mom’s debt. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about Seth.”

He almost laughed, “Jess, it’s a thousand dollars. I can’t make that at Monet’s. And if I stop dealing the debt will just build up.”

Jessica smiled. “You could borrow some money. From someone with a whole shit load of it. And who owes you, and me, a lot.”

He caught on. “Bryce?” Jessica nodded. “No, I can’t face him. Not after the trial, and Spring Fling. I never wanna see him again.”

Jessica’s eyebrow went up. “Then I’ll go. I’m not scared of him.”

He shook his head at her. “I don’t think that’s a good idea at all.”

Jessica’s eyebrow didn’t move. “You were dealing drugs. I hardly think you’re in a position to tell me that asking my rapist for money is a bad idea.”

He laughed. “You make it sound like a bad idea when you say it like that.” He sighed, emphatically. “Look, I’ll do it. I promised you I’d stop dealing, so, if that’s what you want I’ll do it.”

“Good,” she said. It was final.

He smiled. “Now the conversation is over can we get back to… What we were doing?”

She smirked, “nearly,” she kissed him once then pulled back as a tease. “Will you come over tonight? I have to babysit my brothers and they always have more fun with you.”

His brow furrowed, “what about your dad?”

Jessica shrugged, “my brothers can keep a secret.”

“So is that what we are now? A secret?” She rolled her eyes, pulling him closer and kissing him.

“You’d better shut up and be quiet,” their faces were inches away as she smirked, “my parents are downstairs. And highly suspicious when I stay in bed this late.” She pushed him onto his back and threw her leg over his waist so she was sitting over him.

Staring up at her, he smiled. “Will you say that you love me again?”

She smirked, tilting her head and running her hand along the scar on his cheek. “When you earn it.”

He shared her smirk, “fuck. Okay.”

* * *

Closing the door behind him, Justin turned to the kitchen. “Clay, I have a problem.”

Clay, about to take a piece of celery, stopped and stared. “Well… what’s the problem? Cause, I have a problem too and it’s a pretty big one.” Justin doubted they were the same.

He shrugged, “…I’ll bite. What is it?” Hopefully if it was big enough then Clay wouldn’t lose his shit when Justin came clean.

“I think I have a crush on Ani.” He would have laughed. Genuinely laughed, if the words he was about to say weren’t so confronting.

He stared at Clay, not even hesitating. “Jessica’s pregnant… And I’m still on heroin.”

“Okay… Fuck. You won.” Clay was wide eyed. “Is that why she broke up with Alex?”

Justin made a face, frowning. “You heard about that?”

Clay nodded. “Yeah, everybody heard about that. You could hear them arguing from across the hall.” Justin looked down, trying to get his head around what was happening.

“So everybody knows that she’s…”

Clay shook his head. “Rumour has it she’s a…” How to word it? “A slut. No one knows that she’s pregnant. Jesus. But why would she break up with Alex?”

Justin stared at him. “Because it’s not Alex’s.” It was silent for a moment and Clay was only staring across the room at him, in pure confusion. “It’s mine.”

His jaw dropped. “What the hell? When? How?”

Justin smirked, “I don’t think you really wanna know how, Clay. I think you can figure it out.”

Clay just rolled his eyes. “Okay, but when did this happen? She’s been dating Alex for months.” Clay was staring at him, desperate to understand how his whole world was a lie. He had no idea what was going on in the life of his roommate. Or the Student Body President, who he had considered a friend.

Justin looked down at the carpet. “It was Spring Fling.”

“Spring Fling!”

“Shhhhh,” Justin took a step closer, “you need to calm down. You’re not the one with the kid, and you’re not the one who knocked her up. So just keep your shit together.”

“Yeah, okay. Sure.” Clay was spiralling. “How long have you guys known she was… you know?”

“Just over a week. She did the tests and we went to fucking Planned Parenthood, and the stupid protestors were there,” Clay made a face, hearing about the protestors, “and now we’ve realised that we are genuinely fucked.”

“I mean… Makes sense.”

“So, I need your help. With a whole heap of shit.”

“Why should I help you? You’ve been lying to me about drugs, you’ve helped Jessica cheat on Alex, and now you’ve knocked her up? Just yesterday my parents were saying how much you’ve changed, and I agreed. I thought you were better.”

“Clay, you have to help me.” Clay didn’t look too keen. He looked hurt, and betrayed. And by all right, he should feel that way. Justin knew what he had done was wrong… and here he was lecturing Jessica on the lies she was feeding to people. “Clay, you have to help me because if you don’t… I’m gonna tell Ani you have a crush on her.”

Clay scowled. “You are, without doubt, the worst person ever.”

Justin smiled, he had been called worse, “so you’re gonna help me?” Clay nodded reluctantly. “Shit, yes, that’s good. Thank you.”

“So what is it?” Justin wandered over the other side of the room, thinking about where to begin.

“Well, firstly. I need to get clean.”

Clay nodded, “that’s big of you to admit.” Then he became suspicious. “Why?”

He shrugged. “Because, Jessica thinks I’m clean. And I don’t want to keep lying to her. I want to actually be the person she thinks I am.”

“You guys are a thing, then?”

“No… well, yes. No.” He shrugged. “Fuck, I don’t know. She changes her mind every day. She’s pregnant, Clay. What do you think.”

Clay looked around the room. “Fine, forget I asked.” He sighed. “You should come clean to her. Tell her you’re using.”

“I can’t do that. She’ll like, break up with me, or kill me. Or, shit, I don’t know, hate me forever.”

“She won’t,” Clay insisted, “not if she’s already having sex with you after what happened last year.” Then he raised an eyebrow, the look he gave when he thought he knew better than someone. “If you’ve been using this whole time, who is to say that kid isn’t fucked?”

How had he not thought about that? He should have realised. “I _was_ high that night.”

Clay scoffed, “of course you were.” Then he frowned, and genuine concern overlapped any kind of betrayal he felt. “Are you… Okay? Like, for real?”

Justin’s expression didn’t change, and he didn’t let it. “No, I’m not.” He sighed. “I started using that shit because I wanted to escape the fact that I fucked up the best thing I ever had. And now I have that back, but I can’t stop. I can’t get better for her. Like she deserves.”

“Why can’t you get better?”

“Because I–” his voice broke, “because there is so much that I don’t know, and don’t understand. I fucked up my whole life, and now I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Well, then try.”

Justin laughed. “You don’t get it, Clay. Nobody gets it.” Except Jessica. She always understood. “I need your help with something else.” Clay only nodded. “I owe my mom’s boyfriend like a heap of money that I stole last year. And I was dealing drugs to make up. But Jessica doesn’t want me to deal, and I don’t want to keep dealing.”

Clay nodded as though he could have guessed. “Does it have anything to do with the bruises on your face?”

“It has a lot to do with that,” Justin answered, “but I think Bryce will give me the money if I ask him for it. Otherwise, Seth wants me to find my mom and my debt is gone.”

Clay shrugged. “So what do you want me to do?”

“Help me track down my mom. And come with me to meet Bryce. I can’t do it alone.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

Clay sighed. “Fine, I’ll see what my mom found when they looked for her back in April. If we can’t find her then we go to Bryce.” Clay blinked. “I’m also looking up the effects of heroin on pregnancy because I feel like that shit is dangerous. And you should tell Jessica.”

“Okay. Fuck. That's awesome.”

Clay frowned. "Can I eat my lunch in peace now?" 

"Oh yeah, sure." Justin stepped back. Then he hesitated. "Clay, do you hate me again?" 

"I never hated you," Clay said. "I thought you were an asshole. But I never hated you. And I still don't." 

He smiled. "Thanks. I know I don't deserve it. But, thanks." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> high key want the full nsfw scene from the first part. bc that's hot. but anyway.
> 
> pls give me love & kudos & comments of validation


	10. Tattoos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: a lot of unnecessary fluff that means nothing to the plot. but someone wanted a jess & justin babysitting fic and this was as close as i could get. ANYWAY. enjoy.

“Do you still have all your tattoos?”

“I do,” Justin confirmed, and he rolled up his sleeve so they could see. “They’re permanent. They don’t go away.” Jessica’s brothers stared in awe. It was like they had never seen a tattoo before, and if Jessica’s dad had his way, they never would.

“Wow, so they never wash off?” The tallest asked.

Jessica frowned, “yeah, that’s what permanent means.”

Her brothers weren’t listening though. “Can we get a tattoo?”

Justin clicked his tongue, “not at your age, dude, you’re way too young.” Jessica turned a judgemental look at him. He was fifteen when he got his first tattoo, and many would consider that way too young. He smiled back at her brothers and leaned down to their height. “But, if you get a permanent marker I can give you both fake ones.” Their eyes widened in pure excitement. They chorused shouts of agreement, and ran off in search of a marker.

Jessica turned her frown to her boyfriend, “you can’t give them fake tattoos. My dad will kill me.”

Justin shrugged, “it’s fine. We’ll just do it where no one can see them. Like under the sleeve. Or the shoulder.” He smirked. “And if your dad finds out just say they were watching some tattoo show on TV.”

“You suck,” Jessica mumbled, but she was still down to see him struggle to draw fake tattoos. “Can I get one too?”

He nodded, “yeah, but only if I get to choose what it is.”

She looked at him seriously. “No dicks.”

He laughed, gesturing with his arms, “I wasn’t going to!”

She rolled her eyes, “yeah, sure you weren’t.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the living room, collapsing onto the couch and waiting for him to sit beside her. “Do you wanna watch a movie?” They were sitting side by side, and he reached over to hold her hand.

“Can we watch Shrek? I fucking love that movie.” She nudged him. “Sorry. I _really_ love that movie.” He turned to her, “better?”

She winked, “much better. Last time we babysat them, my brothers picked up a habit of using the word shit because of you. And my dad was so pissed.”

Justin laughed, “at least it wasn’t pussy. Or fuck.” She widened her eyes in warning and he smirked. “Sorry. I’ll stop.” Her brothers came running into the living room, and leapt over the sofa until they crushed Justin and Jessica.

“We got a pen!” One held out a permanent marker. “Draw the tattoos.” Justin took the pen and looked at it, making sure it wasn’t a toxic one. It was harmless.

“First,” Jessica interrupted. “Do you two want to watch Shrek?”

“No, he promised us video games.”

“Did you really?” Jessica glared at him.

He shrugged innocently. “They wanted to see if they could beat me.” He smiled. “Come on, it’ll be fun.” He tapped her on the nose with the marker and she giggled.

“Okay, fine. But I get to play you at least once.”

He smirked, “you mean you get to lose.” She rolled her eyes, but it was true. He always won. “Tattoo time,” he then changed the subject. And Jessica realised that he was trying to get on her brothers good side so they wouldn’t narc on Jessica to their dad. He was a pretty good boyfriend, even if Jessica was coming to realise he would be the most irresponsible parent. But, he would be adorable.

“I’m first!” Jessica’s brother crawled between the two of them and squeezed in.

“Okay, what do you want, and where?” Justin held up the marker, and noticed that it was doubled ended with a fine liner on the other end. Perfect for a fake tattoo.

“Pokemon!” Jessica’s brother requested, and Justin turned to Jessica and leaned in so they couldn’t hear him.

“What the fuck is that?” He was dead serious, and truly confused.

Jessica nodded her head, happy to hear that response, “and this is why we’re dating.” He was looking at her like she still hadn’t answered his question. “I’ll google it. You’ll just have to improvise.” She took her phone out and googled the picture for him.

Justin turned back to Jessica’s brother. “Okay, so where do you want me to draw it?” He pointed to the muscle on his shoulder and Justin nodded that it was a good choice. Jessica moved over slightly so Justin could draw, and showed him the google results. He made a face at her and she laughed.

She smiled, “can you do it?”

Laughing, he shook his head, “I guess we’ll see.” As her other brother turned on the television and started up the game, Jessica leaned over her boyfriend’s shoulder to watch him draw. He wasn’t bad, but he also wasn’t good at it. For sure it was a Pokemon character, the one pictured on Jessica’s phone, and her brothers wouldn’t have a right to complain, but it was not pretty.

She leaned over to him, “you’re not drawing on me. You should write something. Your hand writing is neat.” He nodded that he would, and went back to trying to draw something he had never seen before. “I can’t believe you don’t know what Pokemon is. Did you not have a childhood?”

He scoffed, “no, I was out playing sports, smoking weed and having sex. I’m not a nerd.”

She laughed. “At 12?” And he looked at her dead serious, and nodded.

“Clay’s stupid robot comics are one thing, and I can deal with that. But, not yellow cartoon rabbits.”

Jessica’s brother frowned as he sat still. “Pikachu’s not a rabbit.”

Justin looked at Jessica, whispering, “what the fuck is a Pikachu?” Jessica laughed and shook her head that it didn’t matter. “I thought it was a Poke-whatever.” She pointed back to the fake tattoo and he gave up arguing and kept drawing.

“Can we play a fun game,” Jessica asked, “none of those gun ones. They’re too violent to be fun.”

“So Mario Kart again?” Justin asked her, mindlessly drawing. “Even though you suck at it.”

She scowled, “hey, I’ve gotten much better since last time we played.” He was just smiling in response as he drew the last few lines on her brother’s shoulder.

“Okay! You’re done.” Jessica’s brother squealed in excitement which made Justin and Jessica laugh. He turned around, trying to see it on his shoulder.

“It’s so good. Thank you!” He climbed back over them to sit beside his brother and show him the tattoo.

“It is good,” Jessica agreed, “surprisingly.”

“Oh, does that mean it’s your turn?” He smiled at her and she moved closer to him. He lifted up the side of her shirt and she held her arm up. Below her bra strap he started drawing and Jessica watched the game on the television. It tickled, and she giggled, feeling the pen drawing against her ribs. It was where she had always wanted to get a tattoo, and she was pretty sure he knew that. That was why he had wordlessly chosen that exact place to draw.

“How is it that you’re both coming last?” Jessica asked her brothers as they were playing a round of Mario Kart. They both just yelled at her to shut up and she laughed.

“You’re in a really good mood today,” Justin said, but he was focused on drawing.

Jessica shrugged, “that’s because it’s the weekend. And because you’re here. Like you promised you would be.” Smiling, he leaned over and kissed her shoulder, and she made sure her brothers weren’t watching.

“Okay, you’re done.” Her eyes widened in excitement.

“What is it?” She asked, lifting up her arm and trying to see. He was smiling at her, watching to see her reaction. She grinned, “I can’t believe you remembered.” It was the outline of a heart made from vines, with an arrow through it. Jessica had a photo of it on her phone, it was the tattoo she had told him she always wanted. And he had promised her once that he would go with her when she got it. Obviously that had never happened after how their relationship had ended.

“Why wouldn’t I remember,” he said, “do you know how many girls see my tattoos and, instead of telling me how hot they think tattoos are, show me the photo of the one _they_ want? Only you.” She smirked, and let her shirt drop.

“It is pretty hot,” she admitted. “Give me the pen,” she held her hand out.

“Oh,” he said, turning, “and under the heart is my name.”

She scoffed, “God, you’re such a girl.” He only laughed and she grabbed his wrist and pulled it towards her. Watching the game on the television, he stopped paying attention as she began drawing on his wrist. Jessica watched him from the corner of her eye as he was playing around with her brothers, and laughing at them as they played video games. She tugged on his arm, “stop joking around and stay still,” she warned him.

He did as she asked, and laughed, “I’m sorry.” She giggled and finished writing on his wrist, then she turned his hand so he could see what she had written. He scoffed, almost laughing, “Jess, you can’t write that.”

“Yeah I can, and I did.” She giggled, looking down at his wrist. It said, in all capital letters, PROPERTY OF JESSICA DAVIS.

“This is so wrong, Jess.” He was laughing though, and she kissed the palm of his hand.

“It’s not like it’s a real tattoo,” she said, “just a fake.” He reached out and touched her cheek and she smiled. Their relationship had used to be like this. Fun and carefree. And so had he. So had Jessica. And that was something natural between them when they were together. He opened up to her, and she could make him laugh. And everybody could make him laugh, but when Jessica did, it was real and it was because she made him happy. And he made her happy. But they were stuck being happy in secret because their experiences were different, and their feelings were too complicated for anyone else to understand. And so when Jessica left her house, and when she became someone who had to pretend she wasn’t in love with the person she was really in love with, her happiness evaporated.

But not now. Not like this. Now she was happy.

He was staring at her, and smiling. “My gesture was cute, and romantic. This is borderline psycho.”

She smirked, “fine, I’ll change it.” She scribbled out the first part and wrote I LOVE above it, then shoved his hand back. “How’s that, babe?”

He was smiling, “cute,” he said. She climbed over to sit between his legs and he wrapped his arms around her, looking over her shoulder at the tv.

“Can you play now?” Jessica’s brother asked them, handing the controller to Justin.

“I’ll play the winner,” he said, and Jessica leaned back at he held the controller over her stomach. She giggled as he swept her hair out of the way so he could see.

“Is he your boyfriend?” One of them asked.

Jessica glanced over and nodded, “uh, yeah, I think he is. But you remember the rules.”

“We can’t tell Dad,” they chorused together, and Justin laughed. It was quiet a moment save for the bubbly music playing off the video game.

“Are you having sex?” The oldest asked, and Jessica went wide eyed.

“Oh my god,” she complained.

Justin only laughed. “Who taught you that word? You’re way too young to know what that is.”

“Mom and Dad gave us the talk after Jessica was sad for so long. So that we never made anyone sad, and so that we understood why she was sad.” Then the boy frowned. “They said you made her sad. And Jessica said that she hated you.”

Jessica shook her head, “no, we’re not having this conversation. You’ll understand when you get older.” His arms around her tightened gently and Jessica felt bad that the situation had even been brought up. She had been happy, but what happened when the judgement of the outside broke through and came to her doorstep, and she couldn’t stop it?

“I’m sorry,” Justin said, and he was talking to her brothers, “I didn’t mean to make Jess sad. I really didn’t. I just wanted her to be happy, always. And in wanting that, I made a mistake, and it made her sad. But I didn’t mean too, and I would never do it again.” Jessica turned her head gently and kissed him, and that was the sign that they were never to talk about it again. Not now. Not ever. He wasn’t going to be the one to ruin her happiness by bringing judgement into their own relationship. That was left at the door, and left in the past.

* * *

“Okay, they have ice cream and they promised they’d go to bed after one more game.”

Jessica scoffed, “yeah, that’s a lie.” He walked up to her at the kitchen bench and shrugged.

“Well, they promised _me_ , and they love me. So I think it’s a good sign.” Grinning, she leaned over to kiss him.

“You’re really good at this,” she said, “parenting, and like, looking after children.”

He laughed, “no, I’m not. I’m just fun.” She nodded in agreement that he was fun.

“No, you’re sweet with them. It’s nice.” Then she laughed. “I would be like the responsible parent, and you would have been the fun one. We’d make a good team.”

He smiled sadly, taking her hand from her lap and holding it in his own. “Jess, we need to talk.”

“What about?”

He sighed, barely able to look her in the eye. “I fucked up, okay. And I need you to listen to me about this.” She was staring at him, waiting. “I’m still using. You asked me last night if I was out getting drugs, and I wasn’t, that’s the truth. But I’m _not_ clean. I’ve been lying to everybody. Not just you. And it was fucking wrong of me.” She ran her thumb over his palm and watched as he spiralled. “Are you angry with me? Honestly?”

“No,” she whispered, “I just feel bad that I didn’t work it out myself.” His head dropped and he stared at the floor. “What else is it?”

He took a breath, not meeting her eyes. “I was high that night. When we had sex.” He sighed. “I told Clay this afternoon, and he said that it’s likely really dangerous for you to have this kid. Because of like… the heroin in my bloodstream, and like the way it’s physically changed me.”

“But you were clean before that,” she said.

He shrugged, “for like a month. But once you relapse all of that progress goes down the fucking drain. And I relapsed the day before.” She grabbed both of his hands and held them between hers. “I’m so sorry, Jess.”

“I know,” she whispered, “I know you’re sorry. And I love you.” He frowned, his eyes widening like a lost dog, and it felt like he was pulling on Jessica’s heart strings.

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered.

She smirked, “you’ll find a way to make it up to me.” Then she faltered in her confidence and her calmness. She pouted. “You’ll come with me, right? You’ll be there when I get the abortion?”

He nodded, “of course.”

Jessica frowned, “It’s my fault,” she said. “You relapsed after juvie, and you waited this long to come clean. But I went back to Alex when I should have gone back to you. I hurt both of us.”

He shook his head, “no, that’s not it at all. I did it myself.”

She stared at him, “why did you do it? You didn’t have to.” She touched her fingers to his cheek, to the scar and the bruise that was still there from last night, and wouldn’t be going away any time soon.

“I was going into a group home, I’d been in juvie for a month. I was a fucking criminal. Nobody wanted me around. I had no friends. Clay’s parents offered to adopt me, but my whole future was this great big fucking mess.” He stared at the floor. “And I couldn’t stop thinking about how fucked up it was. That I came clean, and I risked so much, and then fucking Bryce gets to start his life over again somewhere new. And I’ll always be the person who let you get raped. I have no way to start over.”

“Do you still feel like that?” He nodded. “Us being back together, does that… Does that help you at all?”

He shrugged. “It does, but you deserve better. And I’ll always love you, but I can’t be sure that you’ll feel the same.”

“You think I’m gonna break up with you? We’re not even public.”

“No, I’m worried I’ll break up with you. Because you’re too good to let me go when you know that I’m completely fucked up.”

She smirked. “That’s stupid. I’m pretty fucked up too.”

“God, no you’re not." He held her hand. "You’re the healthiest person I know, and you did it all by yourself. You’ve always been like that though. When we dated I always felt so… Safe. Because you always had your shit together. Always. And I knew that even though my life was so fucked up, and yours was so normal. If we were together I’d always be okay. I trusted you.”

She smiled. “I used to think the same about you. Is that crazy?”

He shook his head. “No.” He touched her hand. “When you’re in love with someone, at least at first, you always see the best in them. And if the relationship matters long term, you see them like that forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls validate me. give me love & kudos. where are my usual commenters??? hope y'all are staying safe.


	11. Orange Juice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter is short bc 1. i am lazy and 2. i wrote it in 12 hours just today.  
> second last chapter. here we go.

“I need to ask a favour.”

Bryce folded his arms. “And so you brought Clay Jensen with you? Is that supposed to intimidate me.” He smirked, “if anything it makes you look _less_ intimidating.”

Justin rolled his eyes on the front porch of Mrs Walker's house. “He’s just here as a witness.”

Bryce squinted. “A witness? What are you gonna do?”

“It’s not about me,” Justin warned him, “it’s what you might do.”

Bryce only chuckled, “I’m not gonna do anything to you. I can’t.” He sighed. “So, what the fuck do you want?” 

Justin hesitated, but he had said these words to Bryce a hundred times before. “I need to borrow some money.”

“What for?”

“I owe my mom’s ex a lot of money from when I ran away, and when she ran away. I started dealing to pay it off–“

Bryce was smirking. “And is that why you look like you got the shit beaten out of you.”

Clay looked between the two of them, “he doesn’t just look it, that’s what actually happened.”

Justin frowned, “Clay, that’s not helping.” Clay only shrugged. “Look. I just… I need money. And you have a lot of it.”

“Why would I give you money?”

Justin didn’t hesitate to answer this time. He had it prepared since he stood up from the floor of Jessica’s hallway almost a year ago. “Because you raped my girlfriend, and I got 6 months probation for it. I don’t think it needs more reason than that.”

Bryce raised an eyebrow, “ex girlfriend,” he corrected.

“No,” Justin countered, “my girlfriend.” Bryce laughed, genuinely chuckled, he was happy to hear.

“What? How?” He smirked, “what’d you do, knock her up?” Clay went wide eyed at how easily he had guessed it, and Justin frowned. They’d had a deal that Bryce wasn’t to find out about that part of the situation. “No way,” he gasped, “I always knew you’d be the one to knock someone up. You didn’t run, I’m surprised.”

Scowling, Justin ignored him. “Are you gonna give me some money, or not?”

“Yeah,” Bryce decided, “I will.” He turned back from the door and started inside the house. “And I’m sorry, by the way, about the probation. That’s really fucking shitty.”

Justin only shrugged, “yeah, whatever.” And they both followed Bryce inside. For the money. So he could pay for Jessica's abortion. He could pay off Seth. And then when they found him mom eventually, she wouldn't be in any danger.

* * *

“You feeling okay?”

Jessica nodded, “I think so.” She tried to give him a small smile. “I feel kind of… empty.”

He smiled sympathetically, “I can imagine.” Kneeling beside her chair, he held his hand out for her to hold, and she took it and held it in her lap. It felt the same as it did ten minutes ago in the operating room, but this time her grip wasn’t nearly as tight. “Did you eat your cookie?”

She nodded, “yeah. Did you pay?”

He smiled, “I did. With Bryce's money so you don’t have to worry about it. Ever again.”

Smiling, she sighed, “good.” Then her eyes widened. “Did you wanna see what they gave me?” She dug through her pockets and pulled out some condoms, laughing as she dumped them in his other hand. “They give them out for free here. You can keep them.” He shoved them deep into his jacket pocket and smiled back at her.

“Amazing,” he joked, “we never have enough.” When she didn’t laugh, he tilted his head. “What’s up? What’s wrong?”

She shrugged her shoulders sheepishly, pouting. “I don’t know,” she whispered, her eyes were teary. Her hands relaxed and now it was him who was holding her hands in her lap.

“Jess,” he whispered, “talk to me.” She lifted her arms as if she was about to gesture, but then she let them drop as if her words weren’t worth it.

“Promise you won’t get mad,” she said gently, and she was genuinely serious.

He nodded, “I promise.” Last time she had made him promise something was when she had told him she was pregnant, so he wondered what it was this time.

“I feel weird,” she whispered, “like, something’s different in me.” She frowned. “I feel sad. But, I don’t regret it. I just…” She struggled explain herself, staring around the room and trying to find the right words so he wouldn’t get upset. “I feel like it wasn’t my choice. Because the doctor said it was for the best with all the drugs. It's just... feels different. Even though we decided on an abortion before, it’s like, it wasn’t my choice to make. So it feels weird.”

He was frowning, he wished he could fix it for her. That she wouldn't be hurting because of what he did to her. “Like you missed out on something?” She nodded. “You didn’t get to make a choice for your own body. Someone else made it for you.”

“Yeah, and like it’s stupid. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being dramatic.”

He smiled at her and shrugged, “no you’re not. It’s my fault, and I’m sorry.”

She rolled her eyes, “it’s not your fault. It happened and now it’s over.” She smiled at him, recovering from her moment of doubt. “And like, now our futures are open to anything. No baby. There’s nothing we _can’t_ do.” She ran her thumb over his hand and stared as she continued on her train of thought. “We can, like, go to college. And we can travel, go to New York, or Canada. Or London. And one day I wanna get married, and I wanna have children. But, that’s still… a future that is totally flexible and, mine. When I want it.” She smiled, and it was a sad smile. “I had five months of my life taken from me because I was raped. I don’t want the rest of my life taken from me because I was trying to recover. When I have a baby, I _want_ to have it. I don’t want it to be an accident.” With their fingers intertwined, he brought the back of her hand up to his lips and kissed it. When she loosened her grip, she took her fingers and ran them along his cheek.

“You’re gonna have the fucking best life, Jess.” She only laughed. “It’s gonna be fucking amazing.”

She sighed, “I’d like to.” He stood up from the floor and leaned over to kiss her forehead. When he pulled back, she pouted and so he kissed her lips.

He made a face, almost laughing. “You taste like… juice.” Jessica pointed to the empty glass on the table beside her.

“Orange juice.” He laughed, and she pulled him back in to kiss her again. When she pulled away gently, she stared at him. “You’ll take care of me, right? Look after me?”

He smiled, “of course I will. Even when you don’t want me to.” That made her laugh. “You never have to tell anybody about this. I’ll always be here for you.” He kissed her one last time. “I love you. So much.”

Jessica smiled widely, “yeah, I know.” He rolled his eyes and she began to get up. “I’m kidding. I love you. And thank you… for coming with me.”

* * *

“When I said I’d leave the window open for you, this wasn’t what I meant.” She stood in the middle of her bedroom, her arms crossed as he stood in front of her. She still wasn't angry at him. At all. He wasn't even dressed for school. He looked tired and his hair was messy, and strangely enough Jessica found it cute, and romantic that he was here in her bedroom. That he climbed up and surprised her at 8am on a school morning... But it was also weird.

“Yeah, I know. I just needed to talk to you.”

She shrugged, “you can talk to me at school.” He made a face at her, because they both knew that wasn’t true.

“I’m not going to school.” She held his stare for a moment, trying to understand the somber tone of his words.

She scoffed, “what, why?” Justin looked down at the carpet of her bedroom floor.

“I’m leaving.” He said no more than that.

Jessica was staring, “what are you talking about?”

“I’m going into rehab.” His responses to her questions were anything but enthusiastic. His short responses were tell that there was something wrong. Jessica always knew when something was wrong with him. Always. She could sense it, and he had never been that great at hiding secrets through nonchalance. 

“Where?” She asked.

“I can’t tell you,” he said quietly. “But Jess… I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. And you can’t wait for me.”

She almost laughed, “what?” He didn’t find it funny like she did. He was dead serious. “Are you breaking up with me?” Reluctantly, he nodded that he was. “But you said you never would.” She felt her heart speed up. What was happening? “You promised that you would love me, forever.”

“I know. And I will.” He couldn’t even look at her.

“Then why are you doing this?” She pleaded, her eyes filling with tears. This had to be some kind of joke, right?

He shook his head, “I can’t tell you.”

“Why?” She asked, her eyes were desperate.

He scowled, “because Jess, I was stupid to ever think this could work. A fucking secret relationship? That’s pointless. You should be with someone you can be proud to love. Not me.”

She frowned. “Why not you? I love you.”

“Because… Because I’m fucking bad for you.” Jessica was blinking at him, glancing around the room. She didn’t understand.

“Why are you telling me this now? Yesterday you said you loved me. What’s going on with you?” Her eyes were wide and pleading. This conversation was coming out of nowhere. Two days ago she told him that she wanted to be with him, forever. She wanted some kind of stupid cheesy happily ever after. She wanted to get married, and have children. And if he was the person she could do that with, then she would be happy. And if he wasn’t, she was afraid she might spend the rest of her life longing for him.

“Jess, it was never gonna work out,” he said. He didn’t seem to believe the words he was saying, but it didn’t stop him from saying them.

“But you said you’d be here. To take care of me. To make sure I was okay.”

He nodded, “Clay will do it. He’ll check in with you every day. He knows all about what happened. You can tell him anything.”

She scowled, “I don’t want to tell him. I want to tell you.”

“Well, you can’t.” His decision was final. It was cold, and emotionless. He was cold, and unfeeling. Jessica hated it when he got like this. It meant something was wrong.

“Talk to me about what’s going on with you. I want to help.” That only seemed to make it worse. He looked like he was about to cry.

“You can’t help me. It’s too late.” His head dropped and he had given up at this point. He walked back to the window and Jessica began to cry.

“Please, Justin, don’t go. Talk to me.” But it was too late, he was climbing out the window. “Just like that, you’re gonna break up with me? You’re gonna break my heart and abandon me again?”

He looked back at her and she could tell he didn’t want to be doing this. “I did it last time because you asked me to. This time I’m doing it because you’ll thank me for it.”

“No, I won’t. You said you wouldn’t hurt me.”

He turned back around, and she could barely hear his response. “Yeah, I say a lot of things.” Then he left, and she watched him walk down her street in the early morning air as Jessica held back her tears. Her heart hadn’t hurt this much in months. Not since last time he broke her heart. And now he was disappearing again, and she would never get closure. But, even if he came back tomorrow. She would take him back in a heartbeat. There was obviously something going on with him, and Jessica would have given anything for him to tell her what it was.

* * *

“Mom. Dad. I got an abortion.” She stared at them on the couch, waiting for their reactions.

“What?” Her mother couldn’t believe it.

Jessica looked at her feet. “I was pregnant. I had sex. Unprotected. And then I got an abortion.”

“Does Alex know about this?” Her father asked.

Jessica nodded, “Yeah, but Alex and I broke up.”

Her mother was confused. “Why? Because he didn’t want you to get the abortion?”

Jessica shook her head. “No. Because it wasn’t his. I cheated on him.”

Her father was wide eyed, furious. He had taught his daughter better than this. “What? Who was the boy then, Jessica?”

She shut her eyes and her head dropped in shame. “It was Justin. He was the one I cheated on Alex with.” Her parents were horrified. They loved Alex. Jessica could have married Alex right now at 17 and her parents wouldn’t care. He was the perfect boyfriend in their eyes. Troubled, sure, but he wasn’t Justin. And that was all that mattered to them.

“How could you do that?” Her mother shouted. “What is wrong with you, Jessica?”

Jessica, tears in her eyes, shook her head. “I just didn’t love Alex like I should have.”

Her father rolled his eyes. “You’re 17, you’re not supposed to be in love. You’re supposed to be thinking about your future, and what you’re going to do after you graduate. Love doesn’t matter right now. You don’t know what love is, and if you think you’re in love with Justin Foley. Then, Jessica, I beg you to reevaluate your priorities. He is a waste of your time.”

Jessica only frowned. “He broke up with me,” she said quietly. “Just a few minutes ago. Upstairs. In my bedroom. He dumped me, and then he ran away.” She wiped away the tears on her face. “He promised he wouldn’t. But then he did.”

“Did he tell you why?”

Jessica shrugged, “he said he was going to rehab, and that I shouldn’t wait for him. That he’s bad for me. But, I think something is going on with him. Because yesterday he told me he loved me. You don’t hurt someone you claim to love.”

“He’s selfish. He only cares about himself,” her dad said, and Jessica didn’t believe that.

“He’s troubled,” her mother agreed, “and he’s not the kind of person you should be getting involved with. You’re 17, it’s not love. It’s a need to be loved.”

Jessica shook her head, “no, that’s not it. I love him, and I don’t think I could ever feel this strongly about anybody else. Not while he still loves me. Not when I genuinely considered having a kid with him. Genuinely considered it. Not only that, but we were gonna run away if you said no. I was completely serious.”

“Jessica,” her father warned, “don’t be stupid. Running away? Having a child? You’re 17.”

“I know! And I got the abortion, and my boyfriend, well, ex-boyfriend, is in rehab. And my other ex hates the sight of me because I cheated on him, and lied to him. My life is such a mess. I thought I was getting better, but maybe I’m just getting worse.” Sighing, she grabbed her bag off the arm of the couch and readied herself to leave for school.

“Jess, wait, how did you afford the abortion?” Her father asked.

She ran her tongue over her front teeth, glancing around the room. “Justin did. He got the money. He worked for it, because he promised me he would.” She stared down at her hands. “He was really good to me. I was a pain in the ass for like two whole weeks, and he put up my with my bullshit. He put up with the fact that I couldn’t break up with Alex. He put up with my constant indecision. And he put up with the fact that every time he called me out on being an asshole, I would just be more of an asshole to him.” She tried not to cry. “I was a bitch to him. And he still loved me.” Jessica laughed. “He broke my heart and I’m the one who feels guilty. I think I’m gonna see the school therapist.” She had a lot of feelings, many of which couldn’t be shared with her parents. Like how she only enjoyed sex when it was with him. Or how she had cheated on Alex twice. Or how she hadn’t stopped thinking about him since he came back three months ago. And she would rather have an unbiased opinion on the matter. She needed someone to help her fix her problems. And to fix the ache in her chest that followed her ever since the left the abortion clinic two days ago. Something was wrong with her. Maybe she regretted getting an abortion. Regret. The thing that she abhorred for so long. Now it followed her everywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh..... justin you Dumb Bitch. get your shit together and don't break my baby girl's heart... again.... why do y'all think he broke up with her? what is he hiding?


	12. Therapy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally over. also the therapy in this chapter is the kind of shit the show actually needs. please normalise teenagers getting therapy and not making it a bad thing! so the timeline seems strange by part one takes place RIGHT after where we pick up in the last chapter. part two takes place a few days after that. and part three takes place a week from where last chapter leaves off. cool? cool.
> 
> warning: references to suicide (don't freak out. i promise the ending is relatively happy)

“Jessica, please, sit.” Dr Singh said, gesturing to the chair in her office. “I’m glad we can talk. Mr Porter did inform me of your recent troubles here at Liberty, and I’m afraid we’ve never properly met.” Jessica sat down in the seat across from Dr Singh and let her bag drop to her feet.

“Well, I can’t imagine Porter knows everything that went on, but he can pretend to.” Dr Singh didn’t look pleased with Jessica’s snide comment.

She put on a smile. “How can I help you, Jessica?” Jessica leaned back in the chair and folded her arms across her chest. She was here because she needed to talk to someone, and Tyler said that Dr Singh was ten times better than Porter and Mrs Antilly put together.

“I have an issue,” she said quietly. “And I need to talk about it with an adult. But not my parents.”

“Okay, what can I help with?” Dr Singh folded her fingers together on her desk and watched Jessica.

Pressing her lips together, Jessica sighed. “Um, so I had a boyfriend. I won’t tell you his name, but I’d been dating him since April. And I cheated on him. And he’s lovely. He’s so sweet, and he cares so much about me. But, I just… I don’t think I really love him the way that I should.” She hung her head as the Psychologist nodded that she understood so far. “But, I, uh, I cheated on him with my ex boyfriend…” Jessica glanced up, “do you know Justin Foley?” Dr Singh nodded that she did. “Of course you do,” Jessica said with a polite smile, “everybody knows him. And you know that he was arrested as an accessory to a crime committed… against me?” Reluctantly, she nodded again. Jessica sighed. “Well,” she frowned, “I had sex with him which is weird admitting to a teacher. But anyway, I got pregnant. And I was still dating someone else.”

“There is no judgement here, Jessica. Everything you admit is in confidence.”

Jessica scoffed, “judgment is allowed. I did some pretty awful shit to people I care about. And I regret it.” She stared around the office before deciding to continue. “Anyway I lied to my boyfriend when he found out I was pregnant. And I cheated on him again. And I hurt Justin because I couldn’t make a fucking decision about what I wanted to do.” She huffed angrily. “I was torn between this kid, and my boyfriend. Because I care about my boyfriend, and he’s kind to me. But it’s not the same way I feel about Justin, and I like feeling that way so much better. But it can’t be. I would be torn apart if he and I ever got back together officially… And so I got the abortion because it turns out… well, there were just some issues with the pregnancy. And it was the only option in the end. But my boyfriend, he found out about the lies, and the cheating. And I felt really guilty about it.”

“So, Jessica, you’re here today because you feel guilty for cheating, and lying?”

Jessica shook her head. “No. I’m here because I got an abortion, but now I regret it. I wish I hadn’t. But I’m glad I did. But I want the baby, because I felt happier then than I do now. I don’t know why I feel this way. It’s so fucking stupid. Sorry. It’s stupid.”

“No, Jessica. This isn’t stupid. Regret over an abortion is a very serious and understandable thing. Let’s talk more about it.” She shoved her laptop further away to emphasise to Jessica that her attention was focused on her only. “Tell me, what is your relationship like with Justin? And how does that compare to your ex boyfriend?”

Jessica sat quietly, mulling over the question. “I guess, it’s like, when I’m with Justin all I want to do is kiss him, and hold him, and make sure that he’s happy, and that he’s okay. And I want to make him laugh, and I want him to tell me he loves me so I know that he’s happy being with me… When I’m with… my ex… I feel none of that. But, it’s different. I like it when he makes me laugh, and how happy my parents are when I bring him over, and I like that he knows stuff about me. I don’t know it’s like–“

“It’s as though you’re in love with one, and you like to be loved by the other. Is that right?” Sheepishly, Jessica nodded. She hadn’t wanted to say it. It felt wrong, and she didn’t know what the right one was. “There is nothing wrong with that. Emotions are complicated.” Dr Singh looked at her curiously. “Answer me quickly, who do you think you love more?”

That answer was easy. “Justin.” Dr Singh nodded.

“So if you can tell me that so easily, what made it difficult to choose between them?” Jessica had a feeling the psychologist knew the answer already, she only wanted Jessica to say it aloud.

“Because of what happened to me. What he did. Everybody knows about it.” She shrugged. “Maybe if the whole school hadn’t heard about what happened. If they didn’t think they knew the whole story. When they know nothing. Maybe then going back to him would be easier.” Dr Singh nodded.

“You care a lot about what people think of you.” Jessica shrugged, she didn’t really. Some people thought she was scary. Some thought she was a bitch. She couldn’t care less about those people. But this was different. “Rumours and stories mean nothing, Jessica. I know they hurt your heart because people don’t understand. But people never understand. But some people do love you, and their love is worth your feelings being misunderstood.”

Jessica frowned. “I’m not here to talk about Justin. He broke up with me anyway. I’m here to talk about my abortion. Why do I want a baby when three days ago I was so sure I wanted an abortion? What is wrong with me?” Dr Singh only smiled at her, it was a doting smile. A kind smile. Jessica only frowned.

“Jessica, listen, you don’t want a baby. What you want is an excuse to stop lying to yourself. It’s all there in your answers. You know that the abortion has sent you back into the life you were living before, and you will keep living with these lies. But a baby is going to force your hand to come clean. And it could be for the best, or for the worst. You don’t want the baby. You _don’t_.”

Jessica shrugged. “If you know me so well, then what _do_ I want?”

“What you want is to stop lying. To live your truth.”

Jessica scoffed, “thats stupid, I am living my truth.”

“But you aren’t. Do your friends know?”

“Know what?” Jessica asked.

“Know that you’re in love with Justin Foley? Do they know that you were pregnant? Do they know that you’re struggling with it?” Jessica shook her head.

“No, they don’t know.”

“And that hurts, doesn’t it?” She nodded. “Jessica you want the pain to go away more than you’re afraid of the pain it could create. Some things are worth hurting for. Some things are worth judgement, and heartache. Your heart is trying to tell you that this boy is worth hurting for. He’s worth the judgement if you really do love him.” Jessica looked at her hands in her lap, realising that maybe the guidance counsellor was right. “But Jessica, your heart doesn’t hurt because you got an abortion. It hurts because your relationship with Justin was connected to this child. But you can salvage it. If you’d had that child, I don’t know what to tell you, but it would not make your relationship with him any stronger. You made a good and valid decision.”

Jessica swallowed the lump in her throat. “So you’re saying I don’t want the stupid baby. I want Justin back?” Dr Singh nodded.

“Often at the root of feelings of regret and pain over something like an abortion, there is a deeper connection, and a deeper meaning. Many young girls go through similar. They’re in love with someone, and the child feels like their connection to that person. And it happens to women of all ages. Men too, when their partner decides to get an abortion. Sometimes it’s a longing for a human connection with a partner, or child. Sometimes rape causes a person to feel as though their womb itself was violated and a child that results of it, they feel regret over it because the child never chose for their father to be a rapist.”

Jessica shrugged, “what does that have to do with me?”

Dr Singh smiled. “You have one year left in this place. Whatever people think of you doesn’t matter because most of them you’ll never see again. But if you truly care about this boy, then you will see him again. And it’s cruel to give up on him simply to spare the opinions of people who don’t know you. You could be with him for a few years, even a few months. And if he is as important to you as you say, then that time is much better spent loving him, and being with him. Than being alone just because you were too afraid. Do you understand?”

Jessica nodded. “Yeah, I understand… Thank you.” She picked up her bag and stood up. Jessica started for the door and her palm was on the handle before she turned back. “If you know about my history with Justin, why are you telling me to get back together with him?”

Dr Singh sighed, she gave Jessica a small smile. “Because, people make mistakes. And people change. And if _you_ can love him after what happened, then I know that he is obviously not what the whispers say. It’s not up to the opinion of people who don’t know him, to tell you how to feel. Only you can make that decision.”

* * *

“Can we talk about something different today?” The therapist asked, and Justin shrugged. He stared around the office and hesitated to say yes.

“Um, sure. What is it?”

“You’ve alluded a few times to a complicated relationship with your ex girlfriend, and I was hoping we could talk about that a little more.” No, he thought, I don’t want to talk about her. But those weren’t the words that came out of his mouth.

“Okay, I guess.”

The therapist nodded, “what’s her name?”

“Jessica,” he said.

“And how long had the two of you been dating?”

Justin shrugged nonchalantly, “we dated for almost four months last year. Then we broke up. And last week we got back together, and then we broke up again.” His therapist nodded along, and Justin already didn’t like talking about Jessica. He was afraid of talking about what he had done, and he was afraid that if they found out they would kick him out of rehab and he would never get better.

“And what’s she like? Tell me about her.”

Justin smiled, “she’s like… the fucking best. She’s so much fun, and she’s funny, and she’s kind. But she’s also such a fucking badass, and she’s, like, the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. And she cares about me, which is like, more than most people.”

“So, you really loved her?”

“I do… I _love_ her. Still.” Justin stared at his hands. He missed her everyday. And he just wished she could be here, or at least be with him. But that couldn’t happen.

“So why did you break up?” Justin glanced up at the therapist and stared until he understood. “Right, I see… Tell me about it.”

Justin sighed. “I don’t know. I just… It’s like when you love someone more than you love yourself. And like, I’m willing to live the rest of my life without her, because I know she deserves better than me. I don’t want her to waste her life waiting for me…” He nearly laughed. “She’s, like, perfect. And I’m not. And she deserves a perfect life, which is something I can’t trust myself to give her.”

“Nobody ever has a perfect life. It’s not realistic.” Justin knew that, but there was a stark difference between a life of constant struggle and addiction, and a life where your overly successful job keeps you too busy to see your family for Christmas. “What matters is that you try. And if you’re giving up on that now then it’s not worth it. But you’re here. You’re four days clean and you’ve showed very few signs of relapse.”

He shrugged, “that means nothing. I’ve detoxed before. And I relapsed then too.” He shook his head. “I’m never gonna get better. I just feel like the rest of my life is just going to be hell, as I try and fight this constant feeling of being completely… pointless.”

“Did your life feel pointless when you were with Jessica?”

He shook his head. “Not really. It was like, it didn’t matter where we were, or what we were doing. It just felt right, and good. Like the shit they say in those fucking romantic comedies where they could be in like a dumpster, or in a shelter in the middle of a storm, and they would still be happy. Like, the most fucking cliche thing ever, but I don’t know. I can’t imagine ever being sad with her. Even though I know I would be, at some point, but it’d be worth it.”

The therapist nodded, curious. “So again, why did you break up with her? If she makes you feel like that, why break up with her?”

Justin scoffed, “because,” he said. Nobody ever understood, but Jessica would have. Even though he could never tell her. “I’m constantly stuck in this decision between, wondering if I can ever get better, and knowing that she deserves better than what I can give her. And, devoting everything to getting better so I can be good enough for her. Like she deserves. I love her so much, and I want to be with her. Forever. But, I love her too much, and I don’t want her to waste her life on me.” He sighed. “That’s why I broke up with her. Because I love her, and I’m trying to do the right thing by her, and putting her feelings above my own for _her_ sake. I’ve hurt her enough, I can’t do it again.”

“But if she loves you back, aren’t you just breaking her heart more?”

Justin only shrugged. “It’s just what I had to do.”

The therapist nodded, concerned. But from the look on his face, he seemed to be getting somewhere. “So, if you really believe your life is so pointless. Why are you here? Why are you in rehab?” Justin shrugged. He didn’t really know. It wasn’t like he had anywhere better to be. And maybe he wanted to prove to people that addicts weren’t useless, or worthless. Maybe he wanted to prove it to himself. “Let me guess,” the therapist said, “you don’t actually believe your life is as worthless as you said. It’s just easier to feel that way. Perhaps, maybe you don’t know it, but you hope that if you do get clean, and healthy, that Jessica will take you back? That she will find worth in you, and that will mean that you’ll find worth in yourself?”

Justin shrugged, “maybe. I guess.”

His therapist smiled. “Listen, Justin, you need to find worth in yourself outside your relationship with Jessica.” Justin stared at the floor silently, listening. “That’s not to say you can’t be with her, but, everything you’re afraid of… All this talk of not deserving her… You’ll feel differently when you get clean, and when you find worth in yourself outside of her. And when you do that, there will be no more self hatred and guilt for hurting her.” He only smiled. “You need this. You need this therapy, and this form of rehabilitation to understand that you can be loved. That you can get better. And if you care about yourself, as much as you care about Jessica. Then you can have, maybe not a perfect life, but a good life. And you can trust yourself to give her the life that you think she deserves. Do you understand that?”

Justin nodded, “yeah,” he smiled back, “yeah, I get it. That makes sense.”

“You are not nothing. You have never been nothing. Do you think four, or five, months ago you would have ever believed that you would be where you are now?” Justin very honestly shook his head. He still had difficulty believing it. “So don’t take where you are now to determine where you will be in the future. People like you struggle, but if they really want to get better. They do. And your life will not be determined by the mistake you made when you were sixteen, and traumatised. Or when you were seventeen, and homeless. Or when you were five, and neglected. Okay? It has to be determined by the effort you put in to getting better. And becoming someone you want to be, rather than what the world thinks you should be.”

Justin only laughed. “That’s some deep psychological shit.”

His therapist smiled, gesturing with open hands. “That is my job.”

* * *

He glanced around the open space, the room where visitors to the rehabilitation centre waited to be greeted. No one had told him who his visitor was, only that he had one. And that she was waiting. Justin stared at her, confused. “Jess… why are you here?”

She shrugged casually. “Well, visiting hours are between 12 and 4. So I came to visit.” Then she smiled.

“How did you–“

“Clay,” she answered. “I threatened to tell Ani that he had a crush on her if he refused to tell me. I also explained to him why I wanted to see you.”

He only stared at her. “And why is that?”

She only smiled. “You know it’s strange… You broke my heart the first time we dated. And then you broke it again the second time. Just last week… And now here I am asking you to take _me_ back.” He only hung his head, and she hadn’t intended to make him feel guilty. “You know why?” It was rhetorical, of course he didn’t. “Because I know you did what you did last time because you were scared, and you were traumatised. Despite having kind intentions. And you did the same this time. With good intentions.”

He shrugged, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you more.”

“Stop apologising.” She smirked. “You’re an asshole, but I know you’re sorry. Just don’t do it again.”

He stared at her, confused. “Again?” He asked. Was there going to be a third time he broke her heart?

She tilted her head, “you can’t tell me that you’re bad for me, if you’ve never tried to get better.” She took a step closer and he considering taking a step back. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. “I don’t know what’s going on with you. I know that there is something, and I know that if you could tell me that you would. But I don’t want you to go through it alone.”

“Jess,” he whispered, “it’s not about that.”

“Then what?” He opened his mouth to respond but she stopped him before he could. “Don’t you dare fucking tell me that I can do better. Or that I deserve better. You don’t know the fucking week I’ve had waiting for you to come back to me.” She sighed, fed up with the back and forth. “Listen, I love you. I want to be with you. And the only thing that will stop me from having that is if you don’t feel the same. If you don’t love me, and if you don’t want to be with me. Tell me, and I’ll go, and I will force myself to move on.” She stepped closer to him and they were so close she could whisper and he would hear it. “Look at me, and tell me that you don’t feel the same way about me, that I feel about you.” He couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t lie. “Please, tell me and I’ll go away and I’ll let you be by yourself. And you never have to see me again.”

He reached out and took her hand. “God, no.” She took her hand and touched his cheek, and his hands slid down to hold her arms. “Jess, I didn’t mean for any of this. Not back then. Not now. You’re the best fucking thing that has ever happened to me. And yes, I do love you.” She ran her fingertips along his cheeks and smiled.

“So you’ll take me back?”

He smiled, “only if you’ll take me back. Only if you forgive me for being an asshole.”

Jessica nodded, “you’re forgiven.” She leaned in to kiss him but he stopped her. “What?” She asked innocently, and he nearly laughed.

“Nothing, I just… You don’t wanna do that while I’m in here.”

She was smiling. “What? Why not?”

“I threw up an hour ago,” he said nonchalantly, “I’ve almost detoxed. And I taste gross.” She made a face, and he nodded in agreement. “Sorry.” Instead she reached around and kissed his cheek. Then she grabbed his hand and made him walk with her over to the empty couches in the corner. He sat on one, and then she decided to sit on his lap, hooking her arms around his neck. He smiled, “I missed you so much.”

Jessica smirked, “I bet you did.” He leaned in to kiss her neck but she stopped him. “We can do that, and more, after you’ve had some mouthwash.” He laughed and she ran her thumb along his jaw. Summoning the courage to ruin everything they had just worked out. “So, why did you break up with me?”

His expression fell. “Clay didn’t tell you?”

“No. Tell me what?” He didn’t answer her, and her arms tightened around his neck. “Justin, tell me _what_?”

“They found my mom.”

Jessica’s eyes widened, “oh my god,” she said. Then hesitated. “Is that good or bad?” His expression didn’t change, it stayed solemn and unwelcoming.

“They found her… and she’s dead. She killed herself.” Jessica’s heart stopped.

“Shit,” she whispered, she hadn’t expected that. “Are you…okay?” He only shrugged, and she frowned, reaching around to touch his cheek in comfort. “How’d they find her?”

“It was Clay’s idea. He was up all night. He checked records all over the country for people who have died in the last two months, and her name was on there.” Jessica stared at him, waiting to hear more information. But he gave her none.

“Where was she?” Jessica asked curiously.

“New York. The records say she overdosed on the streets. She had her ID on her, that’s how Clay could find her but they had no contact for me, or anyone. So she died alone. Which was the one thing she was afraid of above all.”

“God, I’m so sorry.” She tried to pull him closer, but he didn’t seem too eager for such intimacy so she gave up. “So you broke up with me because she died? What do I have to do with her?” She felt stupid and selfish asking him that question, but she was confused. Why did Amber’s suicide mean that he was bad for Jessica?

“Because… she went out there in search of a new life. And she died, on a street in New York, all alone. She tried to get better and she didn’t. She overdosed on heroin and died, because people like that don’t get better. Which means people like _me_ don’t get better.” He sighed. “I think some part of me thought that she was out there with a fucking job, and she was clean, and she had, like, some joy in her life. But now I know she was miserable, and she died because I abandoned her. And maybe there is no such thing as a better life for people like me. I’ll be the way I am for the rest of my life. And you don’t deserve to be stuck with me, and you don’t deserve to turn out like her either.”

Jessica scoffed, “Justin, you can’t really believe that?” But he did. “Listen, your mom was troubled. A lot. But, she depended on you, and she depended on awful men throughout her life, not to let her fall into her own depression. Of course she was never gonna survive out there. By herself. All alone. But you did. Right? She’s been on that shit for your whole life, and that is harder to escape than just a few months.” He frowned, and Jessica would have done anything to heal his pain.

“But, what if I never get better?”

She shrugged, “you’re here now. You’re trying. Did she ever try?” He stared out, thinking back through years of hell he had tried to drown in drugs and alcohol. Those memories were cloudy, and scary. And Jessica understood that.

“Once. When she got caught with it. But it didn’t last long.”

Jessica held his face in her hands and looked into his eyes. “You never needed her before. You never even respected her before. So don’t now. Don’t look at her, and decide that she’s your future.”

He shrugged, tiredly. “You’re only saying that because it’s what you want to believe.”

“No! I’m saying it because you’re grieving. You are not in your right mind. Now is the time, more than any, for you to relapse. But you haven’t. And instead you’re here. That’s fucking amazing.” That was when he gave up. She was right. Just like his rehab therapist had been. His chest began to tighten and Jessica watched him in concern.

“Jess,” he mumbled, and she nodded that she was listening, “I just… I wish she was still alive.” When he started to cry, she wrapped her arms around him and let him cry into her shoulder.

“I know you do,” she whispered. This was the first time he had cried over his mother’s suicide, or at least the first time someone had let him cry. He had mostly cried alone. At night. When nobody knew.

“I’m sorry,” he said, pulling away from her when he eventually stopped crying. He reached up and touched her face, smiling. “Are you okay, with all the baby stuff? I can’t believe I forgot to ask you, I’m such an asshole.”

She smirked, “no you’re not.” She shrugged. “I’m good. I mean, I struggled at first when you left. But I went to see Dr Singh and she made me realise it was for the best, and that I never really wanted that baby. I just wanted you.”

He smiled, “I could have told you that three weeks ago.” She poked his shoulder, and he laughed. “I’m joking. I swear. But, I felt the same. I did.”

Smiling, she kissed his cheek again. “Come on,” she said, “we should get you some mouthwash so I can kiss you for the first time in a week.” She stood up and he laughed. He followed her, and Jessica grabbed his hand. “Can I have a tour?”

“Maybe,” he said. “Are your visits going to be regular?”

She smirked, “if you make them worthwhile.” He put his hand on the curve of her back and she went into the main hallway. “Oh, did you wanna hear my baby name ideas?”

He laughed, “but we’re not doing that anymore.”

She shrugged, “I want a kitten. It can be your rehab present."

"So, it's my pet.... but you're gonna name it?" 

She scoffed, "obviously. I _am_ your girlfriend now." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had this idea of how i wanted to end it but it wasn't working out so..... yeah idk, this ending seems super abrupt. but oh well.
> 
> thanks for reading <3 :) much appreciate it & i wish you all a safe and calm next few weeks in this scary pandemic


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